You danced your asses off to that song several years ago, when Gaga was ruling the pop universe.
Trauma. Pain. Scars. The past.
These are the things that we have been molded by. Enslaved to.
I have, in the past, always hated my birthday. I couldn’t ever really figure out why. Every year, like clockwork, about one week prior to my birthday, I always get a sinking feeling in my heart, and lots of anxiety surrounding my birthday.
I loathed making any plans for it. Inviting people freaked me out. And anyone making a big deal out of my birthday would get me so overwhelmed, I would sometimes be reduced to tears.
It has nothing to do with the aging process. In fact, I turn 40 years old in 30 minutes, and I look and feel better today than I have in years.
So…what is it? Why am I so inclined to feel dismal on what is supposed to be such a happy occasion?
Looking back and taking inventory of all of my birthdays, going back to childhood, I remember something that really affected me. My 11th birthday. It was the last birthday I celebrated while my parents were still married.
Like any child, I was ecstatic. Big birthday party at Chuck E Cheese. Friends all coming. Gifts. Excitement. And happiness. That innocent happiness that only a child has.
I remember skipping down the corridor of my house, expecting my dad to be dressed and waiting with a big smile on his face. He usually would swing me up in his arms and call me his “little monkey”. But, that wasn’t how I was greeted. Instead, my dad was sitting on the couch, still in his bathrobe, unshowered. I ran to him. “Daddy..why aren’t you dressed? My birthday party is starting soon.” He replied, “I can’t go, son.” It felt like I was being slammed into a wall. I ran to him and jumped in his lap. He wouldn’t look me in the eye. “Please, daddy. Please come. I don’t want a birthday party without you there!” Tears were already streaming down my face. Just then, I heard my mother’s heals clicking down the corridor towards us. My father said to me, “Your mother doesn’t want me there.” At that moment, my mother appeared in the living room and responded to my father’s remark..”Not this time, Joseph. You’re not using me as an excuse for not showing up.” I pulled away from my father. I ran. I ran as fast as I could. Out the front door.
Emotionally, I never stopped running..for over 25 years.
The moment I realized my father wasn’t coming to my 11th birthday by his own accord, a great darkness shrouded my young, impressionable soul. I believed it was my fault that my dad didn’t want to come to my birthday. I told myself form that young age that I was not lovable. I was a bad child. And I hated myself. I carried those beliefs with me for years. In fact, whenever a person (especially a man I care for) flaked on me, didn’t show up for me, etc…I became angry, resentful, hurt, and self loathing. I became that 11 year old child, being abandoned by his father all over again.
It got me to thinking…Do we all take unresolved pain and trauma from the past and displace it into other areas of our present day lives?
How does that serve us? It never served me. In fact, I allowed that single incident to mess with many events and occasions in my life…for decades!
My father is dead. That incident is nothing more than a memory. It’s really just a metaphorical photo in a scrap book, in my mind’s eye.
It is my choice today, to either close that metaphorical photo album of sadness and hurt, or strap it to my back and carry it with me everywhere I go. Do I want to be free, or do I wan to continue to suffer from the weight of a memory that darkens my soul?
Today, on my 40th birthday, I will celebrate.
I start my celebration by telling the truth about my past. Allowing myself to be honest and vulnerable. I celebrate by living in the solution. And, I let go of the painful memory of my childhood.
How do I do that?
Once I’ve written the truth it sits before me. Right there on paper is My soul. My truth. My covenant to myself.
And once I post this story, it is no longer a painful secret, weighing on my heart. It has been set free.
My birthday wish for all of you, is for you to trace your pain back to its source. Understand that it is not happening to you in the present. And, find a healthy outlet to free yourself from it.
I’ve said this before…this is not a rehearsal. This is life. Let’s not waste it by chaining ourselves to the pain of our past. Let’s go for freedom in 2014.
“Cuz my heart is sick of being in chains…” ~Tori Amos
My past blogs got deleted from here when I switched pages, so here is something that was written earlier this year.
It’s interesting how pain and sadness never really leave us. I have been processing the suicide of my ex lover, Tony, since his death on May 7, 2013. Strangely, I was at a Tori Amos show in San Diego on July 24th of this year. I’m a huge Tori fan. This was actually my 19th Tori show since 1996. However, she covered a song on that particular night. It was that song titled, “Say Something”…
When that song was playing on the radio 6 months ago, I would simply turn it off. The lyrics were too painful for me to listen to. Hearing Tori sing it live the other night, well, it shattered my heart. I found myself crying uncontrollably, clinging to my mother’s hand. I’ve been sitting in the pain, hearing that song in my head for 3 days now. I finally processed it the only I know how. For me, as writer, nothing gets processed until it is written…so…
Inspired by Tori’s version of, “Say Something”.
I heard a song , it pierced right through. Into the night, still cry for you. It sang of us, back to the start. Of how we met, of how we part. It wasn’t meant to be this way, In my dreams I hear you say…”Don’t look back.” But, I still turn, as tears cascade, as tears they burn. My love, my heart, he fell so deep..into a dark, eternal sleep. I ran so fast to get to you. I couldn’t grasp, as you slipped through. Your spectral image deep within my heart, emulsifies; as now we part. We part for now, but always know. I lost you then, but I’ll never let go.
Here is the link to the version of the song that inspired this:
July 2, 8:05 AM
When shit gets real, I run. I used dope and alcohol for over a decade to cover up the painful and uncomfortable feelings of loss, sadness, low self esteem, and a myriad of other unpleasant feelings.
Now that I’ve taken drugs and alcohol out of the equation, I notice that I have other “go to’s”, that I use to “numb out’ with.
Men. Relationships. Love interestes. I use them unconsciously to numb uncomfortable feelings and frustrating fears.
It got me to thinking…
Do we all “use” something to “numb out”?
This world is full of trappings:
Sex. Gambling. Shopping. Food. Celebrity. Dope. Relationships. Violence. Co-Dependency…ad infinitum.
When something cuts you to the core and you begin to “bleed” the truth, what do you use to cover it all up?
And I use the term, “cover it up” for a reason. These distractions we use certainly don’t make the pain go away. They simply distract us from the truth, for the time being. Unfortunately, society is filled with so many worldly clamors that we have the option today to use common distractions to avoid the truth for the rest of our lives.
But, I didn’t get sober to do that! I want to grow and evolve.
I’ve been going through some really raw emotions recently. The scars of Tony’s death are still very fresh, even though his suicide was a little over a year ago.
I’m writing a very powerful 1st step, that is forcing me to look at much of my objectionable and tragic behavior, while I was in my addiction.
It is my natural inclination to want to find a really attractive man to distract me from the pain I’m currently experiencing. I tell myself, I want to fall in love and be happy. But, that’s bullshit! I want to use some poor guy to validate me, make my pain go away, and take hostage!
So, I’m left to ask myself this question:
Can I let the pain simply bleed? Feel it?
For an hour? For a day? Maybe, even a month? However long it takes to bleed clean?
What do we really have to risk by feeling the pain? All of it?
I know this much..
I destroyed a good portion of my life, running from the pain. It didn’t serve me.
So, I make myself this promise:
Tonight, though I’m in pain, I’ll sleep alone.
Without a man to cling to, like a security blanket.
Without an emotional “band aid” over my heart.
If I can do that just for tonight, I might be able to do it again tomorrow..until the pain bleeds clean.
So might you.
July 1, 10:01 PM
At last, my first feature video in 4 years is about to be released. It’s directed by Nica Noelle for the the new gay porn studio, Icon Male.
All star cast, featuring myself, Armond Rizzo, Ty Roderick, Tommy DeFendi, and Trenton Ducati.
Here are some promo shots and the link to the free trailer.
June 5, 12:12 PM
Here is the complete interview with GAYPV Magazine. The issue is running currently, June 2014.
GAYPV Talks With Nick Capra
You retired in 2010 and came back March 2014, choosing to return to adult films over a career as a medical technologist. Why?
Well, the information that was printed regarding the medical tech was false. I went to holistic school and got certified as a massage therapist. I did not choose [the adult film industry] as a career over massage and body work. I still see clients whilst shooting videos.
Have you completed your book? What is the title and how is going?
No. This is a very long process, and given the fact that this is a memoir I am reliving many very raw emotions. Sometimes, they are very fond memories and many are very scary ones. I’m just about to complete content for Chapter 5. I assume that I will need to write much more than necessary, as much of it will get scrapped through the editing process.
You have been sober since November 2013. You don’t blame porn for your addictions?
Absolutely not. I was an addict and alcoholic long before I became a porn star. Nothing and nobody are responsible for my addictions but me.
What advice to you give to someone considering porn as a career?
Do something more than just become a film star. Create a brand: i.e products, website, produce your own stuff. Why should we do all the work, while the guys in suits make all the money?!
How do you deal with the stress and pressure of the industry in your comeback?
I honestly don’t feel any stress. I’ll either be received, or I won’t.
What would you do different, if anything?
I have only one regret. You’ll have to read the book!
Are you over from the unfortunate loss of your boyfriend Tony’s death?
Am I over Tony’s suicide? Maybe you could explain to me how a person gets over the love of their life, killing themselves. I’d be happy to oblige. No. I’ll never be “over” Tony’s suicide.
What do you think about some studios (Falcon) digitally removing the condom to give a bareback look?
I think it’s awesome. They are keeping their models safe and giving people what they want. Watching bareback sex, while knowing the models are still using protection [is the] best of both worlds!
Are you still single? Confirming it is not possible to have a relationship while in the industry?
I am very much single. Happily single! I believe it is very possible to have a relationship while working in the industry, [but] I’m still mourning the suicide of my ex, who died less than one year ago. That doesn’t really make me good dating material, does it?
You are a firm believer in AA recovery program?
I am a firm believer in the AA program for Nick Capra. Is AA the answer for everyone who has a problem? Not necessarily. However, it has personally saved my life.
What would you do if you were not in gay adult films?
I’d be a writer.
How did you meet Paul VanVleck? Describe his style.
I met Paul in 2003. He shot me for the cover of a now defunct gay rag in San Diego, called Buzz. Paul shoots beautiful stuff. It’s erotic, romantic, and tells a story.
The photoshoot was Los Cabos? What do you think of the Mexico LGBT scene?
I could’t tell you. I landed in Los Cabos and we drove to rural Mexico. I didn’t really have time to do any gay tourist stuff. It was a strictly work trip.
Have you ever visited Puerto Vallarta?
What do you thing about the progression of LGBT rights worldwide and the biggest obstacle?
We are our own obstacle in the LGBT community. IF we just got out of one another’s way [and] started supporting one another, instead of going to war with each other over frivolous things, we’d be a much stronger, unified community.
At 39, you are a “Daddy”. How long do you plan for this second phase of your career? And what are you doing to continue the momentum?
I’m shooting. I’m writing. Honestly, I’ve already bee at the top tier of the gay film industry. I’ve shot for Falcon, Titan, Hot House, Lucas, Chi Chi, etc… [so] even if I regain that status, all I will be accomplishing is repeating the past. That’s rather boring, wouldn’t you say? Being published is my goal. It will be my legacy. It will hopefully let other gay men know they aren’t suffering alone in addiction, or body dysmorphia, or a bad relationship with their dad, or coming out of the closet, or dealing with a suicide. I want to take my name and show people that a smut star conquered all these afflictions, and so can they!
Do you know many successful comebacks? Who were they?
Yeah… his name is Nick Capra! Now watch as he rises!
You are a porn veteran… what keeps things fresh, exciting, and interesting?
I want to get a little nastier. I definitely would like to work for kink.com – they really allow you to abandon inhibitions.
Your greatest achievement? What do you want to be remembered for in porn?
I’m sober. That’s an amazing accomplishment, considering the path I was formerly on. I want to be remembered for my… vulnerable writing. I’m gonna bare my soul!
May 6, 9:21 AM
Last night I was up late, past my normal bedtime. Doing quite a bit of reflecting. As the one year anniversary of my ex partner’s suicide approaches, I wanted to just take a moment to remember how much he taught me. How much I loved him. And how blessed I feel to have shared almost three years with the most significant, amazing man that has ever walked this earth. I wrote this short piece last night before bed…
I Fell, Like Love
I met a man four years ago…He took my hand, and I let go..All my fears and all my pain. He cleansed my soul, like bleeding rain. The love we shared for 3 blessed years, changed my heart, and froze my tears. I fell, like love..out of control. But he fell to the darkness in his soul. My love was lost in a sea of mercury, I was so blind, I could not see. All the torment in his heart, took my love, it ruled his heart. He took to the skies by his own hand, my heart lies broken, more than waves upon the sand. I love you, Tony…As I loved you then..
Until we meet…farewell, sweet man.
Apr 15, 7:09 AM
There are so many things in my life that I have to be thankful for today. I’ve spoken publicly about my gratitude for my sobriety. How thankful I am to be alive.
I also wanted to take a moment to thank you. You know who you are. I have received hundreds of private messages, comments, and tweets every single day for the last several months. It’s odd, because you guys thank me for an essay that I may have written or a pic that I may have posted.
But, the real heroes here are all of you. You have supported me, given me hope, warmed my heart, given me strength, and inspired me with your own personal stories.
I just wanted to take a second to say thank you, especially to all of my Pups on Twitter. You guys have touched my heart in a way I really can’t even put into words. And now, watching you all form relationships with one another fills me with such great joy. We have fun. We cut up. And we support one another with love and kindness.
I’m very excited to see where this journey takes us all, individually and collectively.
Let’s continue to build on that, which we have already started… and shine like the brightest lights!