Unfinished

It’s interesting how pain and sadness never really leave us.  I have been processing the suicide of my ex lover, Tony, since his death on May 7, 2013. Strangely, I was at a Tori Amos show in San Diego on July 24th of this year. I’m a huge Tori fan. This was actually my 19th Tori show since 1996. However, she covered a song on that particular night. It was that song titled, “Say Something”…

When that song was playing on the radio 6 months ago, I would simply turn it off. The lyrics were too painful for me to listen to. Hearing Tori sing it live the other night, well, it shattered my heart. I found myself crying uncontrollably, clinging to my mother’s hand. I’ve been sitting in the pain, hearing that song in my head for 3 days now. I finally processed it the only I know how. For me, as writer, nothing gets processed until it is written…so…

Inspired by Tori’s version of, “Say Something”.

Unfinished

I heard a song , it pierced right through. Into the night, still cry for you. It sang of us, back to the start. Of how we met, of how we part. It wasn’t meant to be this way, In my dreams I hear you say…”Don’t look back.” But, I still turn, as tears cascade, as tears they burn. My love, my heart, he fell so deep..into a dark, eternal sleep. I ran so fast to get to you. I couldn’t grasp, as you slipped through. Your spectral image deep within my heart, emulsifies; as now we part. We part for now, but always know. I lost you then, but I’ll never let go.

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Here is the link to the version of the song that inspired this:

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Letting It Bleed

July 2, 8:05 AM

When shit gets real, I run. I used dope and alcohol for over a decade to cover up the painful and uncomfortable feelings of loss, sadness, low self esteem, and a myriad of other unpleasant feelings.

Now that I’ve taken drugs and alcohol out of the equation, I notice that I have other “go to’s”, that I use to “numb out’ with.

Men. Relationships. Love interestes. I use them unconsciously to numb uncomfortable feelings and frustrating fears.

It got me to thinking…

Do we all “use” something to “numb out”?

This world is full of trappings:

Sex. Gambling. Shopping. Food. Celebrity. Dope. Relationships. Violence. Co-Dependency…ad infinitum.

When something cuts you to the core and you begin to “bleed” the truth, what do you use to cover it all up?

And I use the term, “cover it up” for a reason. These distractions we use certainly don’t make the pain go away. They simply distract us from the truth, for the time being. Unfortunately, society is filled with so many worldly clamors that we have the option today to use common distractions to avoid the truth for the rest of our lives.

But, I didn’t get sober to do that! I want to grow and evolve.

I’ve been going through some really raw emotions recently. The scars of Tony’s death are still very fresh, even though his suicide was a little over a year ago.

I’m writing a very powerful 1st step, that is forcing me to look at much of my objectionable and tragic behavior, while I was in my addiction.

It is my natural inclination to want to find a really attractive man to distract me from the pain I’m currently experiencing. I tell myself, I want to fall in love and be happy. But, that’s bullshit! I want to use some poor guy to validate me, make my pain go away, and take hostage!

So, I’m left to ask myself this question:

Can I let the pain simply bleed? Feel it?

For an hour? For a day? Maybe, even a month? However long it takes to bleed clean?

What do we really have to risk by feeling the pain? All of it?

I know this much..

I destroyed a good portion of my life, running from the pain. It didn’t serve me.

So, I make myself this promise:

Tonight, though I’m in pain, I’ll sleep alone.

Without a man to cling to, like a security blanket.

Without an emotional “band aid” over my heart.

If I can do that just for tonight, I might be able to do it again tomorrow..until the pain bleeds clean.

So might you.

xo

Nick

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Forgive Me Father

July 1, 10:01 PM

Hey Guys!

At last, my first feature video in 4 years is about to be released. It’s directed by Nica Noelle for the the new gay porn studio, Icon Male.

All star cast, featuring myself,  Armond Rizzo, Ty Roderick, Tommy DeFendi, and Trenton Ducati.

Here are some promo shots and the link to the free trailer.

Enjoy!

 

http://www.tlavideo.com/gay-forgive-me-father/p-363239-3

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GAY PV MAGAZINE FULL INTERVIEW

June 5, 12:12 PM

Hey Guys

Here is the complete interview with GAYPV Magazine. The issue is running currently, June 2014.

GAYPV Talks With Nick Capra

You retired in 2010 and came back March 2014, choosing to return to adult films over a career as a medical technologist. Why?

Well, the information that was printed regarding the medical tech was false. I went to holistic school and got certified as a massage therapist. I did not choose [the adult film industry] as a career over massage and body work. I still see clients whilst shooting videos.

Have you completed your book? What is the title and how is going?

No. This is a very long process, and given the fact that this is a memoir I am reliving many very raw emotions. Sometimes, they are very fond memories and many are very scary ones. I’m just about to complete content for Chapter 5. I assume that I will need to write much more than necessary, as much of it will get scrapped through the editing process.

You have been sober since November 2013. You don’t blame porn for your addictions?

Absolutely not. I was an addict and alcoholic long before I became a porn star. Nothing and nobody are responsible for my addictions but me.

What advice to you give to someone considering porn as a career?

Do something more than just become a film star. Create a brand: i.e products, website, produce your own stuff. Why should we do all the work, while the guys in suits make all the money?!

How do you deal with the stress and pressure of the industry in your comeback?

I honestly don’t feel any stress. I’ll either be received, or I won’t.

What would you do different, if anything?

I have only one regret. You’ll have to read the book!

Are you over from the unfortunate loss of your boyfriend Tony’s death?

Am I over Tony’s suicide? Maybe you could explain to me how a person gets over the love of their life, killing themselves. I’d be happy to oblige. No. I’ll never be “over” Tony’s suicide.

What do you think about some studios (Falcon) digitally removing the condom to give a bareback look?

I think it’s awesome. They are keeping their models safe and giving people what they want. Watching bareback sex, while knowing the models are still using protection [is the] best of both worlds!

Are you still single? Confirming it is not possible to have a relationship while in the industry?

I am very much single. Happily single! I believe it is very possible to have a relationship while working in the industry, [but] I’m still mourning the suicide of my ex, who died less than one year ago. That doesn’t really make me good dating material, does it?

You are a firm believer in AA recovery program?

I am a firm believer in the AA program for Nick Capra. Is AA the answer for everyone who has a problem? Not necessarily. However, it has personally saved my life.

What would you do if you were not in gay adult films?

I’d be a writer.

How did you meet Paul VanVleck? Describe his style.

I met Paul in 2003. He shot me for the cover of a now defunct gay rag in San Diego, called Buzz. Paul shoots beautiful stuff. It’s erotic, romantic, and tells a story.

The photoshoot was Los Cabos? What do you think of the Mexico LGBT scene?

I could’t tell you. I landed in Los Cabos and we drove to rural Mexico. I didn’t really have time to do any gay tourist stuff. It was a strictly work trip.

Have you ever visited Puerto Vallarta?

What do you thing about the progression of LGBT rights worldwide and the biggest obstacle?

We are our own obstacle in the LGBT community. IF we just got out of one another’s way [and] started supporting one another, instead of going to war with each other over frivolous things, we’d be a much stronger, unified community.

At 39, you are a “Daddy”. How long do you plan for this second phase of your career? And what are you doing to continue the momentum?

I’m shooting. I’m writing. Honestly, I’ve already bee at the top tier of the gay film industry. I’ve shot for Falcon, Titan, Hot House, Lucas, Chi Chi, etc… [so] even if I regain that status, all I will be accomplishing is repeating the past. That’s rather boring, wouldn’t you say? Being published is my goal. It will be my legacy. It will hopefully let other gay men know they aren’t suffering alone in addiction, or body dysmorphia, or a bad relationship with their dad, or coming out of the closet, or dealing with a suicide. I want to take my name and show people that a smut star conquered all these afflictions, and so can they!

Do you know many successful comebacks? Who were they?

Yeah… his name is Nick Capra! Now watch as he rises!

You are a porn veteran… what keeps things fresh, exciting, and interesting?

I want to get a little nastier. I definitely would like to work for kink.com – they really allow you to abandon inhibitions.

Your greatest achievement? What do you want to be remembered for in porn?

I’m sober. That’s an amazing accomplishment, considering the path I was formerly on. I want to be remembered for my… vulnerable writing. I’m gonna bare my soul!

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GAY PUERTO VALLARTA MAGAZINE

May 30, 8:17 AM

Hey guys!

I’m so honored to be featured on the cover of GAYPV lifestyle magazine, with a story about my recovery from drugs and alcohol. Spreading awareness and hope is such a blessing, and I couldn’t be more excited about it!

xoxo

Nick

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I Fell, Like Love

May 6, 9:21 AM

Last night I was up late, past my normal bedtime. Doing quite a bit of reflecting. As the one year anniversary of my ex partner’s suicide approaches, I wanted to just take a moment to remember how much he taught me. How much I loved him. And how blessed I feel to have shared almost three years with the most significant, amazing man that has ever walked this earth. I wrote this short piece last night before bed…

I Fell, Like Love

I met a man four years ago…He took my hand, and I let go..All my fears and all my pain. He cleansed my soul, like bleeding rain. The love we shared for 3 blessed years, changed my heart, and froze my tears. I fell, like love..out of control. But he fell to the darkness in his soul. My love was lost in a sea of mercury, I was so blind, I could not see. All the torment in his heart, took my love, it ruled his heart. He took to the skies by his own hand, my heart lies broken, more than waves upon the sand. I love you, Tony…As I loved you then..

Until we meet…farewell, sweet man.

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Thank You

Apr 15, 7:09 AM

There are so many things in my life that I have to be thankful for today. I’ve spoken publicly about my gratitude for my sobriety. How thankful I am to be alive.

I also wanted to take a moment to thank you. You know who you are. I have received hundreds of private messages, comments, and tweets every single day for the last several months. It’s odd, because you guys thank me for an essay that I may have written or a pic that I may have posted.

But, the real heroes here are all of you. You have supported me, given me hope, warmed my heart, given me strength, and inspired me with your own personal stories.

I just wanted to take a second to say thank you, especially to all of my Pups on Twitter. You guys have touched my heart in a way I really can’t even put into words. And now, watching you all form relationships with one another fills me with such great joy. We have fun. We cut up. And we support one another with love and kindness.

I’m very excited to see where this journey takes us all, individually and collectively.

Let’s continue to build on that, which we have already started… and shine like the brightest lights!

xoxo

Nick

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Recent Interview

Mar 23, 11:04 PM

Hey Guys..Here is a recent interview:

 Nick Capra Exclusive: Why He Unretired, What He Thinks Of Barebacking, And How He Got Off Drugs

Posted March 20, 2014 by Zach with 20 comments

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From Leo Giamani to Brent Corrigan, some of the biggest adult icons are returning to the industry in 2014, and having started his career in 2002, Nick Capra has been around longer than most. Unlike Leo and Brent, Nick is doing interviews to promote a comeback that’s actually happening (he already has several new scenes in the can that are set for release).

So, Str8UpGayPorn caught up with Nick Capra to check in on where he’s been, what he’s got planned, and whether or not he’s still fighting with former gay porn star Trevor Knight.

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Str8UpGayPorn: It’s been about four years since you’ve filmed, right? What have you been up to?
Nick Capra: Yep. Four years and two months since I filmed my last scene with Vinnie D’Angelo for Cocksure Men.

Why did you retire back then?
I quit because I got into a relationship with an amazing man. I wanted to explore true monogamy. And I went to a cool holistic school in San Diego called Mueller. I got certified as a MT (medical technologist).

Does that mean you’re single now?
Yes, I am happily single. Hence, my return to the industry.

But you didn’t unretire just because you became single, right?
No, I’m also writing a book! I’ve received tremendous feedback from fans on my blog over the years. So, I think it’s time to tell the entire story. Getting my cautionary story published while I’m current and working in the industry makes much more sense.

Cautionary? What kind of things will you be cautioning others about?
Don’t do dope. And figure out a way to take your name in the industry and brand it into something bigger than being just a model in fuck films.

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You’re doing really well now, but will the book address some of your past troubles with addiction?

It will take the reader through some of my darkest days, biggest heartbreaks, and back into the light that I have found again. It’s “cautionary” in the respect that this is no fairy tale. This is a true account of a very notorious lifestyle.

Do you think you would have done drugs whether you were in porn or not?

I had an issue with drugs and alcohol long before I began my porn career. Porn has never contributed to my addiction. I take responsibility for my addiction. And now, I assume that same responsibility for my sobriety.

When did you get sober?

I got sober again on November 26, 2013. I found an amazng sponsor who is taking me through the 12 steps. I am very active in Gay AA in San Diego, and I go to at least 3 AA meetings a week.

Did you keep up with the industry while you were gone?

No, not at all. I had to do a bit of research when I decided to come back to know who was who.

And who do you think is the hottest right now?
Billy Santoro would look great underneath me. Also, I realize he’s not new, but I want to see Ty Roderick go back to bottoming—or at least bottoming for me.

Good luck with that one! What about bareback porn—would you ever do it?
I think bareback porn—especially Sean Cody—is hot to watch, from a viewing perspective. But I believe that as a performer, it’s my personal responsibility to advocate safe sex in my work. I don’t judge other adults for their choices, but you’ll never see me going bareback.

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You signed with Ducati Models as your agency, which is of course Trenton Ducati’s company. How did you hear about them, and why did you go with them as opposed to Fabscout or Baileey or someone else?
Honestly, I was on the fence about representation this time around. I’ve always had representation in the past. First, it was the late Dak King. Then, it was Howard from Fabscout. I messaged Chi Chi LaRue several weeks ago and asked him if he thought I needed representation. He said, “No!” but referred me to Michael Youens, who is Trenton’s business partner at Ducati. And then I met Trenton, and it’s hard not to like the guy. He’s got so much damn charisma. What really sold me on Ducati is that they are not looking to represent 100′s of different guys like the other agencies. That translates to more work for me. Simple.

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Which studio will your first scene be for, and do you have any others lined up?
I just shot for a new studio called Mile High. Well, they aren’t new in the literal sense, but this was their first gay porn. Nica Noelle directed, and she has a great energy about her. She’s into passionate sex. More like what you would have with your lover in the bedroom—not just contrived “porn sex.” So, that was a huge plus for me. My scene partner was Jessie Colter. Good way to come back, huh?

Definitely. The last time I wrote about you was right around when you retired in 2010, and you were in an online fight with Trevor Knight! Are you and Trevor still feuding, or is that in the past?
Trevor who?

Ha ha. OK, moving on. As a true legend of gay porn, if you could single out one thing you’ve learned from all your experiences, what would it be?
A true legend, huh? That’s very sweet of you to say. If I thought that talking to the new guys about some of my incredibly bad choices since filming my first scene would save them from making similar mistakes, I’d do it. But, we are all very self centered creatures. We usually need to fuck things up royally for ourselves before we figure out what kind of behaviors are objectionable.

So what piece of advice would you give to the new guys?
Show up on time. Make your own toy line. Produce your own stuff. But, don’t write a book, cause I’m already doing that, and my material is probably better. LOL!

 

We Are The Wierdos, Mister.

Mar 21, 7:20 AM

I wasn’t just born gay. I was born different. Growing up, I was either the center of attention, or I was being completely shunned for my outlandish behavior.

Looking back at the other gay men whom I grew up with that later “came out”,  I simply wasn’t your typical gay kid. All the other gay kids that I grew up with liked the Bionic Woman better than the Six Million Dollar Man. However, unlike all the other gay boys, I didn’t fantasize about marrying the Six Million Dollar Man. I knew that I was going to marry David Bowie.

Yep. I was the strange one.

While all the other boys in the 6th grade were pirates, and jail birds, and transformers for Halloween.. I was Boy George.

At 12, I had already figured out that Siouxsie Sioux was the true Goddess-not Madonna.

At 13, I strayed down the Gothic path, long before there was ever a Marilyn Manson or a store called Hot Topic.

By 15, I was carrying around Sylvia Plath’s, The Bell Jar & Ariel poems like they were religious textbooks.

Yep. That was me. Freak. Fag. Sensitive soul. Dark heart. However you chose to label me.

And those were simply references to my style and and personal interests.

On a clinical level…I simply am not your average gay!

I’m hyper. Easily excitable. Like a big puppy that slobbers and pisses himself when he meets a stranger he likes. I can be loud. Sometimes confrontative. I cry when reading a sad novel or watching tragic cinema. I’m extremely emotional. Impulsive. Passionate. Loyal. Erratic. Intense…..

ALL OF IT!

An ex-boyfriend once told me, “You’re too much candy for a dime!”

I SURE AM!

And, I used to be so hard on myself when I’d see disappointment in a stranger’s face, because I wasn’t the cool, calm, collect Nick that they envisioned me to be. Maybe that’s the fantasy man they built from the image they saw in the videos.

Sorry. I aint that guy! I will never be relaxed, easy going, and “under the radar”.

Maybe you get what I’m saying. Maybe you can relate.

So, how did I reconcile some of this?

Here is the first thing that I did to really help me become comfortable in my skin:

I stopped hanging out and assuming friendships with gay men because they were aesthetically pleasing. I now befriend any guy that I have common interests with. Most of whom are very artistic, sensitive, self assured, amazing souls.

We share a common thread in the fact that we are different. How refreshing that was to establish that kind of bond. Finally!

The second thing I did:

I quit focusing on trying to be the one who rebels agains the “cool” gay guys. It’s just a really immature place to come from. Yes, I can sometimes revert and be snarky, but I am much more concerned with rallying the gay guys out there that are like myself. Cuz let’s face it…there are plenty of us out there! Maybe not exactly like me. But, just like me!

The third thing I did:

I got brutally honest. Honest about my pain, honest about my dreams, about my pitfalls. The more authentic I become with you, the less I need to hide. That is freedom! Every time I share my self discoveries with another gay man, there is a connection made. I get some more freedom. And maybe they can relate and not feel so alone with their own frustrated fears.

So fucking what if we don’t fit in with the circuit queens at the gay bars!

So what if we stumble over our words when we meet an attractive guy, because it fuels some insecurity.

They are no better. We are no worse.

We are just different!

Let’s take some of our unique qualities, cultivate them, and start sharing them, so that others out there know they aren’t alone.

I’m done punishing myself for being different.

This is our time.

Let’s celebrate it!

So, let me know what you’re doing to help yourself feel more comfortable, exactly the way you are. More importantly, what are you doing to help someone else?

One of my favorite movie quotes is from that 90’s teen film, “The Craft”.

When the four witches are getting off the city bus and the bus driver says to Fairuza Balk’s character, “You girls watch out for those weirdos!” She responds smugly, “We are the weirdos, mister.”

Me with my grandparents, Halloween…1985

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Capra Rising

Mar 19, 7:34 PM

Hey Guys!

Here is a link to a 2 min preview of my very first scene shot inn four years!

http://sexflexible.com/2014/03/hot-dadshot-lads-nick-capra-sebastian-torres/

I completed Chapter 3 of my book today. Writing this book is already making me laugh hysterically, as I recount some of the crazy adventures I’ve experience over the past twelve years.

I promise to have a new essay written and posted in the next 48 hours. Please be patient. All of my writing has gone into this memoir I’ve begun writing, but it will be worth the wait.

Wet, sloppy kisses

Nick