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Our Singleness Of Purpose

Reclaiming Our Self Worth

Stepping Stones

I Know What It Sounds Like…

Last week, a girlfriend of mine contacted me. Her husband of seven years was dead. Unexpected. He went fast.
She asked me:
“How did you deal with Tony’s death? When does the pain go away?”
I couldn’t answer those questions, reassuringly. So, I pantomimed the best answer I could.
I told her that, with time, the loss would become more manageable.
But, what I couldn’t bring myself to tell her, is that the pain from that kind of loss never goes away. It lingers. It ebs and flows. It encompasses the senses…
In so many ways.
I receive many questions from people, regarding Tony’s suicide.
This is what I know…
I know what it sounds like…When the nightbird calls. And death took him.
The deafening silence within. The moment I realized his soul was no longer here on this Earth.
I know what it feels like, when the heart shatters, like glass, into a million pieces..and I realized I would never hold him again.
I know what emptiness feels like…falling asleep;  still reaching for him in bed
I know what it looks like…A beautiful sunset; then, turning to vast space…expecting him to still be standing there next to me.
I know what it smells like…the fragrance of his favourite cologne in the air…no longer clinging to his soft skin.
I know how limitlessly a day can stretch, waiting for his texts….that no longer come.
I know how vast the void is…looking into another man’s eyes…still wishing they were his.
To hear a song, that once symbolized our covenant to one another…that same song now fills my heart with so much sorrow.
I know what it feels like,  knowing he is still there. In another stream of consciousness. Impossible for me to reach…
Yet, knowing I can’t let go.
I thought I knew it all before Tony died,
And now I realize…knowing doesn’t mean so much.
These are things I wish I never knew.
But, I know what it feels like.
I know what it looks like.
And, I know what it sounds like…
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Somewhere….On The Edge.

It’s no secret that my favorite company to work for is Kink.com Every time I do a scene for them, my limits, my stamina, and sexual performance is pushed to another realm. I will be writing a separate blog entry, on some of the growth that I have experienced, staying at the Armory.

However, this blog is all about my Men on Edge scene. I was nervous walking into the scene. Especially after seeing Sebastian Keys with rope in his hand.

I asked what it was for. He simply replied, “Do you trust me?”

Yeah. I trust Sebastian. The fact that I have beat my dick for several months, thinking about burying it inside of him, helps too!

The next several hours were spent with me bound, edged, suspended, edged more, sucked, fucked with a dido, (only scene in history that Ive ever allowed a dildo in my ass) tied to a bed, edged with his mouth, hot and cold water, then finally an explosive release.

It was one of the hottest scenes I’ve ever shot. I remember when I was younger, reading a series of books by Anne Rice, about the BDSM retelling of Sleeping Beauty. I felt like a character in one of those erotic novels, whilst shooting this scene.

I don’t often write commentary on specific scenes that I shoot. This one, however, deserves to be acknowledged. I couldn’t be prouder of it, and more elated with the experience. I think it translates perfectly through the visual.

Thanks, to Kinkmen.com, and the angelic looking little devil, Sebastian Keys, for taking me so far to the Edge.

Here is the link to the trailer for my Men on Edge scene for Kinkmen.com

http://www.kink.com/k/model/54751-Nick-Capra.html?c=1

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HARNESSING THE POWER

Passion. I was born with it. Passion burns inside of me. Outspoken. Intense. Convicted. Loyal. Invested. Sometimes crazy.

As a child, I was always writing in my journal. I had the ability to translate raw emotion into my writing from a very young age. But, life happened. Many things transpired in my childhood that changed me. That hurt me. I always tell people, “I had my shit on point until I was 11 years old!”

Shortly after the time that I figured out that my father would never be the dad I needed him to be. That he was incapable of loving me…I became very wounded. I was hurt…and very angry. That anger turned inwards.

By the time I was 17 years old…all of that hurt and self hatred got the better of me…I threw down my writing pen, and I picked up dope.

All of the passion that burned inside of me…all of that bright light…turned to darkness. Shrouded by pain, by crack cocaine, amphetamines, and hopelessness.

The more dope that I used. The more I numbed out. Became a non entity. I did terrible things that hurt myself and the people I loved. The more pain I inflicted on myself and others. The more I hated myself for doing such things. The more I sought to destroy myself with dope.

There it it…in several paragraphs, I’ve outlined a cycle that completely ran my life for more than 20 years. I could have died. I should have died many times.

But, passion…and the human spirit. They are powerful things.

Somewhere along the line, I made a decision. I wanted to live again. To feel. To grow. And, as the will to live grew, so did the passion within me.

I am not a religious man. But, I do believe that we are all send into this world to learn, to grow, and to share freely what we learn with others.

Fortunately, (or not) for me, the greatest growth that I have experienced has sprung from the greatest tragedies.

Am I happy with all of the choices I’ve made in this lifetime? No.

Do I wish any of the pain I have experienced upon another human being? Never.

Would I trade any of my experiences for all the money in the world? Absolutely not!

I am the man that I am because of every fucked up choice I ever have made…and learned from.

I’m no longer victimized by my bad choices today. I’m not killing myself today, because of the pain I’ve suffered in the past.

 

 

So, what is “Harnessing the Power?”

For me, it starts by waking up sober. Everything good in my life today is contingent on my sobriety. Being sober allows me to access all 7 of my chakras, freely.

I meditated this morning. My morning meditations are short and easy. Right now, my favorite morning meditation is “Canyon People”, by Carlos Nakai. That 4-5 minute flute piece gives me time to ponder my day.

For some reason, after my mediation was over today, the expression “Hope Springs Eternal”, was on my mind. And, that simple expression led me to writing this piece.

If you are drawn to me or my writing, you are most likely a passionate person as well. (“Like attracts like”)

So, my question for you is, “What is your passion?”

It’s there. I promise you. If you can navigate past your surface thoughts and the “clamors of the world”, you’ll see it’s always been there.

Next, how do you, “Harness the power, to indulge your passion?”

For me, it is simple…I stay sober..I meditate..I listen to my inner voice…and I write!!

xoxo

Nick

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The blog of Adult Video Star Nick Capra