It’s interesting how pain and sadness never really leave us.  I have been processing the suicide of my ex lover, Tony, since his death on May 7, 2013. Strangely, I was at a Tori Amos show in San Diego on July 24th of this year. I’m a huge Tori fan. This was actually my 19th Tori show since 1996. However, she covered a song on that particular night. It was that song titled, “Say Something”…

When that song was playing on the radio 6 months ago, I would simply turn it off. The lyrics were too painful for me to listen to. Hearing Tori sing it live the other night, well, it shattered my heart. I found myself crying uncontrollably, clinging to my mother’s hand. I’ve been sitting in the pain, hearing that song in my head for 3 days now. I finally processed it the only I know how. For me, as writer, nothing gets processed until it is written…so…

Inspired by Tori’s version of, “Say Something”.


I heard a song , it pierced right through. Into the night, still cry for you. It sang of us, back to the start. Of how we met, of how we part. It wasn’t meant to be this way, In my dreams I hear you say…”Don’t look back.” But, I still turn, as tears cascade, as tears they burn. My love, my heart, he fell so deep..into a dark, eternal sleep. I ran so fast to get to you. I couldn’t grasp, as you slipped through. Your spectral image deep within my heart, emulsifies; as now we part. We part for now, but always know. I lost you then, but I’ll never let go.



Here is the link to the version of the song that inspired this:



10 thoughts on “Unfinished”

  1. Nick, my heart is aching for you mate. Music is something I’ve always turned to to get me through things. Unfortunately there will always be songs that will reduce us to tears because the words will take us to a place we forgot about. I’m glad that in this case it helped you to process. There is not timeframe when it comes to healing. (I’m learning that at the moment for a different reason), just know that it will happen. Remember you previous post: Letting It Bleed. You’ll get through this on your own time. And also remember you have a great support system on Twitter. You know how much your ‘pups’ love and care for you. Take care.

  2. WOW! That was beautifully said. Wish I could have know him. I’m happy that we have reconnected in different places in life. Love you!

    1. I love you, Michael. And you will know him. Everyone will know just how beautiful he was. He was an angel.I’m so grateful you are in my life. xo

  3. Dearest Nick,
    Sorry for the Love that you lost, dearest one!
    Know that…..love never dies! Keep Tony close to your heart!
    Although he is gone but never forgotten, he will always be proud of you as I am of you! Some days will be dark…but the light will always shine on you! Then, Now and Always. I’m here for you, shoulder, ear and my love and support will always shine light on you! Love Always your bud and Dearest Friend Anthony

  4. Your Tony must have been in a very dark place to have left you. For all that some people say suicide is the easy way out, I don’t agree. Living a life full of pain – or leaving it, knowing that in so doing you will pass some of that pain on to the people you leave behind – neither is easy. I certainly knew how my decision would affect others when I considered this option a while back – but it wouldn’t have stopped me; my pain, my despair, was my own, only; overwhelming and all-consuming. In the end, I chose not to go that route, but it was a close thing; and the pain goes on, even today. Even in such extremity, however, I still appreciate(d) those around me who care; their presence is hugely important to me and I value every day they give me (and I allow myself). I believe your gift was similarly important to your lover – you enriched his life, just as he did yours. Weirdly enough, the sadness of the memories is almost an exquisite pain also, isn’t it? Reminds us of those moments of intense joy we once felt. And, if we are brave enough, might feel again one day. Part of the journey; growing into our souls. Big hug.

    1. Thank you, Julie..That was very kind of you to write. Yes, the memories are very strong and even more intensified by the loss,,,though selfishly, I’d rather him still be here. xo

  5. Well Nick this is the 3rd time I tried to write to reguarding “unfinished”1st of all it brought me 2 tears 2nd of all this is why i like being your friend even if its only on line.You have such depth 2 you your thoughts and feelings are so perfectally written .You have what I belive to be a hueg loving generous heart.What drws me to you isnt just what we share about recover ….I now know we have both suffered great loss and pain other than addiction ……I guess thats how God works and paths cross …..Beautiful writing.LOVE YA BRO……Eric

Comments are closed.