Letting It Bleed

July 2, 8:05 AM

When shit gets real, I run. I used dope and alcohol for over a decade to cover up the painful and uncomfortable feelings of loss, sadness, low self esteem, and a myriad of other unpleasant feelings.

Now that I’ve taken drugs and alcohol out of the equation, I notice that I have other “go to’s”, that I use to “numb out’ with.

Men. Relationships. Love interestes. I use them unconsciously to numb uncomfortable feelings and frustrating fears.

It got me to thinking…

Do we all “use” something to “numb out”?

This world is full of trappings:

Sex. Gambling. Shopping. Food. Celebrity. Dope. Relationships. Violence. Co-Dependency…ad infinitum.

When something cuts you to the core and you begin to “bleed” the truth, what do you use to cover it all up?

And I use the term, “cover it up” for a reason. These distractions we use certainly don’t make the pain go away. They simply distract us from the truth, for the time being. Unfortunately, society is filled with so many worldly clamors that we have the option today to use common distractions to avoid the truth for the rest of our lives.

But, I didn’t get sober to do that! I want to grow and evolve.

I’ve been going through some really raw emotions recently. The scars of Tony’s death are still very fresh, even though his suicide was a little over a year ago.

I’m writing a very powerful 1st step, that is forcing me to look at much of my objectionable and tragic behavior, while I was in my addiction.

It is my natural inclination to want to find a really attractive man to distract me from the pain I’m currently experiencing. I tell myself, I want to fall in love and be happy. But, that’s bullshit! I want to use some poor guy to validate me, make my pain go away, and take hostage!

So, I’m left to ask myself this question:

Can I let the pain simply bleed? Feel it?

For an hour? For a day? Maybe, even a month? However long it takes to bleed clean?

What do we really have to risk by feeling the pain? All of it?

I know this much..

I destroyed a good portion of my life, running from the pain. It didn’t serve me.

So, I make myself this promise:

Tonight, though I’m in pain, I’ll sleep alone.

Without a man to cling to, like a security blanket.

Without an emotional “band aid” over my heart.

If I can do that just for tonight, I might be able to do it again tomorrow..until the pain bleeds clean.

So might you.

xo

Nick

july2

6 thoughts on “Letting It Bleed”

  1. Just have to say I read this post almost on a daily basis. Especially after I found myself in a particular undesirable situation. So just wanted to say thank you for being such an inspiration.

  2. I admire your strength and the way you are putting yourself out there. I hope people read this and take something away like I did. Hugs Nick.

  3. Keep fighting the good fight. Yours are very cogent words, learned through experience of pain, difficult to speak, and even harder to live by. I’m glad I stumbled across your blog. We’ve lost too many good men from addiction – a salve that never heals with promises never kept. You’re so correct in noting that the addiction isn’t THE problem (it’s A problem, certainly), but it’s the void the addiction is trying to fill.

    So, as encouragement, keep fighting the good fight. While our vices are different, their ultimate end is the same – and we don’t want to go there. Come hell or high-water, we won’t go there.

    I’m sending you a virtual *hug* – It’s funny how you can simultaneously not know someone, yet feel them (or at least, think you do). You’re doing the right thing. Congratulations on 8 months.

    — Sean

    (Happy to talk. My number is on my Twitter)

  4. Wow! This is so true Nick. I think we all have some kind of vice that we turn to to cover up our pain. I know I do and I have found in the past that I will stop one but find another. I too have realized I need to learn to except the pain instead of trying to keep covering it up. It is a constant struggle but I think realizing and learning from past behavior is a step in the right direction. 🙂

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