Like Its Your Last

Mortality. We think we have an understanding of it. But, do we?
I had a terrible relationship with my father, from the time I was a boy. He was abusive to both me and my Ma. He was an absolute monster.
At 18 y/o I wrote my father a letter, telling him to never speak to me again. Time passed. I grew older. And the resentment I felt towards him, corroded me. Like mercury, flooding my veins. All of the pain, disappointment, and sadness ruled me. In 2011, I received a call from my dad’s niece. She told me that he was very sick with bone cancer. Beyond treatment. And, he was being released from the hospital, to hospice. Something in me shifted. That little boy in me, who always wanted to hold his father’s hand, resurfaced. Past the pain. Past the hatred. To the truth. And, the truth was, that I loved my father with all of my heart. And, my father was going to die. I desperately wanted to see him before he passed. To look into his eyes and forgive. Hug him, and let all of the years I’d wasted, sitting in hatred, melt away. I immediately booked a flight from San Diego to White Plains. But time waits for no one. And, my father left this world before I could get to him. The pain I felt…the pain I still feel, is immeasurable. No forgiveness. No closure. And it haunts me to this day. Yeah. I know what you’re gonna comment and say..”He’s watching over you now from Heaven.” And that’s great.  But, it doesn’t console me. That’s my truth. I live with it.
Most of you know, my ex lover, Tony Serafini, took his life. After almost 3 years together, we broke up. Due to my addiction. I had relapsed, after he and I were having problems in the relationship. And after we broke up, he emailed me. He begged me to get sober, so we could be together again. And, in my sick addict mind, I believed I would get sober again. “Just a few more weeks of partying.” I told myself. Then, I would get sober. Tony and I would resume our relationship, and everything would be better. But, I couldn’t bring myself to answer his email. Not while
I was still high. I told myself that I’d respond to Tony’s email once I was clean again. Just a few months later. I awoke from a blackout. I had been on a crack cocaine binge for about 5 days. My friend Chris was blowing up my phone. I answered. He told me solemnly, that Tony was dead. By his own hand. My baby was gone. Gone from this world, forever. And, there was no closure. No last spoken word. And living in the knowledge that I will wait ’til the day I die, to see my love again..it breaks my heart.
The message I’m sharing is not only for extreme cases, like the ones I just wrote about.
How many times in a day does that little voice within, tell you to text an old friend you haven’t seen or spoken to in awhile and say, “I’m thinking of you.” But, you disregard the notion because you’re “too busy”? Or, you see an associate at work..just in passing.. and it occurs to you to smile at them. But you quickly disregard that notion, because you aren’t in the mood to smile? Or, you have a petty argument with a friend or lover, and ice them out for a few days, weeks, because you “need space”? And yeah…sometimes, we do need space, when we are angry, or feeling frustrated.
Just remember:
That moment…when you’re finally ready to reach out..it may be gone. Life is fragile. Someone, who is perfectly healthy, living their life, can be taken. Here today. Gone tomorrow.
So, my advice:
“Never let the sun go down on your anger.” If you’re “beefing” with someone you love, because they did you so wrong. Take a look at your part. In my experience…unless someone has held a weapon to me, I’ve had a part in the problem, as well. So, make the amends. Get over it. And love each other. Reach out, when you get the vague inclination to hug a friend.
Smile at your work associates, Or,even at that stranger in the gym. If you’re in a crap mood. Get over it. The power of a smile is stronger than you know.
If there is a person in your life, whom you haven’t spoken to in forever. And you’re waiting on them to reach out. Pick up the phone, and initiate.
It’s such an easy concept to discuss. But more difficult to put into action. The ego is a formidable opponent. It tells us to seek revenge. To ignore kind gestures. My ego even tells me that I’m less of a man for doing these very things.  But honestly, I’d rather feel like a moron, for attempting to do these things,,,than live in the pain I have felt, for not doing them.
Treat every moment you share with a person, like it’s your last.IMG_8913

17 thoughts on “Like Its Your Last”

  1. Very much to the point and makes you think that we have all the time in the world.
    Another great blog Nick.
    God bless

  2. I continue to be blown away not only by your past experiences and difficulties overcoming so many demons and obstacles, but the wisdom in your writing and the constant tension between strength and vulnerability, honesty and retrospective confession (for want of a better word) — you always strike a chord for others, and your willingness to bare your soul in this blog is awesome.

  3. Very touching and very true, Nick! I offer my condolences on your losses of loved ones.

  4. If my memory serves me correctly Tennyson wrote…”Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” Life, unfortunately, is full of these missed opportunities that we failed to act timely enough to prevent losses or regrets. Learning from these missed opportunities is the the lesson it seems. Thank you for reminding me of this truism. I will making a few calls. You have a wise soul.

  5. Thank you for sharing your pain with us. It’s takes great strength to do that and you’ve shared a powerful lesson that I hope others learn, including myself. I have alot of pain and I’ve pushed so many of my friends away thinking they’ll always he there when im ready to talk to them.. But they might not be. Like you, I’ve got to see what my part is that I play in the issues and work to better myself with many loved ones.

    Thanks again for sharing your story and please keep doing that.

  6. Nick, It breaks my heart to read about the people you lost. I don’t know if it’s a consolation but most people always-always feel guilty towards the loved ones they lost. No matter how much or little we had done for them before they went, we always feel guilty. May be because we couldn’t save them, and just because we are here and they are not.

  7. My comment is pertaining to your image and career. I understand the gay porn industry is a huge money play and they can persuade you to do anything against your interests for more money. But, with reason, you’ve inherited the “daddy” title which is a great fit for you at first sight. But then you’ll do porn where you get fucked. To me, scenes like that ruin your “daddy” aesthetic. Being a “daddy” is a dominant and masculine role and getting dicked down and bottomed is a “pup” thing and conceived in reality as the feminine role in sex. Excluding flamboyancy which people always seem to misconstrue. So, my question is do you feel pressured to bottom in porn and why do you think tops only amount to 1-2 percent of the gay community? Why do you think gay men have difficulty upholding themselves to being the dominant, masculine or “man” if you will in the relationship? Masculinity seems to be a highly sought after thing in our community yet very few seem to actually be able to uphold that.

    1. Wait…what? You think I bottomed cuz the porn industry forced me to? I took a dick up my ass last week, for fun. If you believe that bottoming is congruent to a man’s measure of masculinity, then your thinking is broken. I am no less of a “man” for bottoming. I love taking a dick in my ass once in awhile. If you don’t like it. Don’t watch my videos.

  8. My thinking isn’t broken. It’s not manly to be submissive to or dominated by another man. It’s just fact. I’m not saying you’re less than a man for it. Im just saying being bent over, dicked down and bitched out doesn’t go with your “daddy” aesthetic but I’m sorry you’re sensitive to the truth. I was asking you a question to get your perception but I see you took it personally. It must have hit home. Take care. I will do as you recommended..

    1. I was answering your question as honestly as I could.
      Your thinking is congruent to someone operating on what I call, “low frequency”
      I would imagine you are young, so I don’t judge you…nor do I take personal offense to your ignorance. You’re right where you’re supposed to be. xoxo

    2. Jj,
      I happen to agree with you, your thinking isn’t broken, for something to be broken you need to have something in the first place that can break, and by reading your asinine comments, you just prove what a complete dumbass you truly are, therefore no brain and nothing to break.

  9. Nick, again you have written something that is so pertinent to everyone. We all so often find it easier to ignore the simple things in life which is to connect with people. I know I’m guilty of that. So often I think of reaching out to an old friend but just never do. And I think it’s because my insecurities of rejection become more prominent. And now I find my circle of friends had dwindled because of it. Most of the time I use the excuse, ‘well it’s not like they are reaching out to me, so why should I reach out to them?’ It’s a vicious emotional ride that never seems to end.

    Anyway, I love reading your writing. You always write something that seems to be what is going on in my head. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and allowing us all to be a part of your world. xox

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