Mortality. We think we have an understanding of it. But, do we?
I had a terrible relationship with my father, from the time I was a boy. He was abusive to both me and my Ma. He was an absolute monster.
At 18 y/o I wrote my father a letter, telling him to never speak to me again. Time passed. I grew older. And the resentment I felt towards him, corroded me. Like mercury, flooding my veins. All of the pain, disappointment, and sadness ruled me. In 2011, I received a call from my dad’s niece. She told me that he was very sick with bone cancer. Beyond treatment. And, he was being released from the hospital, to hospice. Something in me shifted. That little boy in me, who always wanted to hold his father’s hand, resurfaced. Past the pain. Past the hatred. To the truth. And, the truth was, that I loved my father with all of my heart. And, my father was going to die. I desperately wanted to see him before he passed. To look into his eyes and forgive. Hug him, and let all of the years I’d wasted, sitting in hatred, melt away. I immediately booked a flight from San Diego to White Plains. But time waits for no one. And, my father left this world before I could get to him. The pain I felt…the pain I still feel, is immeasurable. No forgiveness. No closure. And it haunts me to this day. Yeah. I know what you’re gonna comment and say..”He’s watching over you now from Heaven.” And that’s great. But, it doesn’t console me. That’s my truth. I live with it.
Most of you know, my ex lover, Tony Serafini, took his life. After almost 3 years together, we broke up. Due to my addiction. I had relapsed, after he and I were having problems in the relationship. And after we broke up, he emailed me. He begged me to get sober, so we could be together again. And, in my sick addict mind, I believed I would get sober again. “Just a few more weeks of partying.” I told myself. Then, I would get sober. Tony and I would resume our relationship, and everything would be better. But, I couldn’t bring myself to answer his email. Not while
I was still high. I told myself that I’d respond to Tony’s email once I was clean again. Just a few months later. I awoke from a blackout. I had been on a crack cocaine binge for about 5 days. My friend Chris was blowing up my phone. I answered. He told me solemnly, that Tony was dead. By his own hand. My baby was gone. Gone from this world, forever. And, there was no closure. No last spoken word. And living in the knowledge that I will wait ’til the day I die, to see my love again..it breaks my heart.
The message I’m sharing is not only for extreme cases, like the ones I just wrote about.
How many times in a day does that little voice within, tell you to text an old friend you haven’t seen or spoken to in awhile and say, “I’m thinking of you.” But, you disregard the notion because you’re “too busy”? Or, you see an associate at work..just in passing.. and it occurs to you to smile at them. But you quickly disregard that notion, because you aren’t in the mood to smile? Or, you have a petty argument with a friend or lover, and ice them out for a few days, weeks, because you “need space”? And yeah…sometimes, we do need space, when we are angry, or feeling frustrated.
That moment…when you’re finally ready to reach out..it may be gone. Life is fragile. Someone, who is perfectly healthy, living their life, can be taken. Here today. Gone tomorrow.
So, my advice:
“Never let the sun go down on your anger.” If you’re “beefing” with someone you love, because they did you so wrong. Take a look at your part. In my experience…unless someone has held a weapon to me, I’ve had a part in the problem, as well. So, make the amends. Get over it. And love each other. Reach out, when you get the vague inclination to hug a friend.
Smile at your work associates, Or,even at that stranger in the gym. If you’re in a crap mood. Get over it. The power of a smile is stronger than you know.
If there is a person in your life, whom you haven’t spoken to in forever. And you’re waiting on them to reach out. Pick up the phone, and initiate.
It’s such an easy concept to discuss. But more difficult to put into action. The ego is a formidable opponent. It tells us to seek revenge. To ignore kind gestures. My ego even tells me that I’m less of a man for doing these very things. But honestly, I’d rather feel like a moron, for attempting to do these things,,,than live in the pain I have felt, for not doing them.