I was recently talking to my friend Allen about relationships. Allen has this amazing ability to peg a guy as a match for me; or an utter mistake. He said something that really struck me, though.
“I’m always right on the mark with you. So, why is it that when it comes to my own love life, I’m utterly blind?”
That got me to thinking. I recently wrote a piece titled, “Size Matters”. Based primarily around core relationship ideals. How important it is to identify what we need in our relationships, to feel safe. To be happy. So, why is it that that knowing what my needs are, I’m willing to overlook these things for “the illusions”??
American culture has driven home this ideal that we need to have a ‘happily ever after’ in order to be complete and fulfilled. And, I have found myself driven by the obsession to date guys that are metaphorically, ‘the perfect package’ to achieve this ideal of ‘happily ever after’, Guys with whom I have absolutely nothing in common with, beyond good looks.
So, who is Prince Charming…to you?
Does he really need to have the perfect body? Or, that girthy cock and bubble butt?
Sure. Good looks get you in the door.
But, that’s not gonna get you through the long haul. Not with me, anyways.
If I don’t have a soul connection. The signs are going to be abundantly clear.
I realize this is a really simple concept to say out loud. My Ma was preaching it to me since I was a boy. “It’s a person’s heart. Not their looks!:” But, lets face it. We are all attracted to pretty things. And I have been no exception.
I admittedly dated guys who I found to be gorgeous. And when we didn’t click. When the signs were glaring blatantly, that things weren’t working. I was determined to paint those “red flags”, green.
That’s kinda like trying to take a gorgeous car with a burnt out engine, on a long distance vacation. What’s gonna happen when you get out on the freeway? Signs are gonna start flashing: Check engine! Check oil!
Just like when you start dating that gorgeous guy, and things are clearly not working. There’s a little lying. Maybe a little misconduct. But you’re so fixated with getting to ‘happily ever after’, you completely overlook the signs.
So, you continue going down the freeway in this gorgeous car, with the burnt out engine; ignoring all the flashing signs…And, before you know it, you are pulled over on the side of the road. And the vacation is over with, before it’s even begun.
And those were my relationships. Over with…before they’d even begun.
I needed to get honest with myself. My motives. And, with the dynamics of my relationships. Cuz I already know exactly which “type” of guy works for me in a dating situation. And, I know the ’type’ who doesn’t. But, I am easily blinded by beautiful men. And, I have this brilliant ability to take red flags from a partner, and paint them green.
I write for freedom. Not to look cool. So, I’ll admit this, openly:
I am blinded my men that look amazing next to me. Or, a guy who makes my toes curl when we fuck.
But, how the hell are amazing orgasms and pretty selfies going to give me a lasting, healthy relationship??
Have you ever been blinded by physical appearances in a guy? Or, the pretty things he buys you? Or, the way he pounds you out with his hot cock? Or, the idea of the two of you in your perfect wedding photo? Even when there are problems coming up from the beginning, that clearly show you he’s not the one?
If you’re spending more time trying to paint red flags, green…Trying to excuse behavior that is making your heart sick..
There’s a problem.
But, there’s also a solution.
Getting past physicalities…what qualities in a guy, leave you breathless?
I love a man who is passionate about his beliefs. I love a man who is driven and intelligent. I really love men who don’t crave limelight. Because I kinda do. So, it balances me to be with someone who isn’t a public figure. I love playfulness. Affection. A man who isn’t afraid to tell me I’m acting a fool. I respect that.
So, I gotta start paying closer attention to the things that really turn me on…about his soul.
And its important to remember:
RED MEANS STOP.
GREEN MEANS GO!
Take a look at what’s really happening in the relationship. Not what you want to be happening.
Don’t be color blind…like me.
I find myself saying this in almost every piece I write:
This is not a rehearsal. This is life. And, it’s passing us all really quickly.
I’ve wasted too much time dating the illusion.
Maybe I didn’t think I was worthy of anyone with substance. And, I was acting with shallow motives, so that’s all I was getting. Today, I’m ready for a guy who comes to me with green flags. And see where that takes me.
It’s taken a while to discover that I’m worth it. But, I believe that I am.
And, if you can relate to any of this…I suspect that if you take a look at how special you are….you’ll probably see that you’re worth it, too!