never was much of a size queen. Until recently. So, what happened?
It all started with the sex ideal.
Now for those of you who aren’t familiar with the sex ideal…The sex ideal is not written exclusively about our sex conduct. Its about our conduct in our relationships.
This is what a thorough sex ideal consists of:
What kind of a partner do I want to grow to become in an ideal relationship?
What do I need from my partner, to feel safe and loved, in my relationship?
That is serious stuff, we’re getting into. So, its obviously paramount to write ideals that are realistic, and attainable.
My ideal tells me that my #1 need from my partner:
To feel nurtured and loved.
Given my history. That’s not a huge surprise. I grew up with an abusive father who never loved me.
So, here’s the story:
At the time that I wrote my sex ideal, I was dating a really sweet guy, who lived in another city.
Though, the distance between us was only 120 miles. This was my first out-of-city relationship.
And 120 miles is quite a bit, for a guy like me.
Ideally, I like to hang with my guy 2-3 times a week as we are dating and getting to know one another. As the relationship evolves into something more serious, I like to see him more often.
But, because my boyfriend worked 40 hr/weekly and rarely got 2 days off in a row. We were seeing one another several times a month.
I could navigate that. However, I had to acknowledge that because he and I didn’t get to see one another as regularly as “same city” couples did. Staying connected via text, phone call, FaceTime, etc was important to me.
So, I put that out to him.
I told him, “It really makes my day to receive a text from you. And it helps bridge the gap between us, in proximity.”
I asked if texting one another to stay connected, was something he was cool with. “Of course”, he told me.
But, as time progressed. As I became more invested in the relationship.I noticed that almost every text that I received from him, was simply a response to texts that I had initiated.
I also noticed that I was having to make all of our plans.
Figuring out what days he had off. If I was coming to him. Etc.
He never offered to make those plans.
But, he would oblige when I asked. Sometimes, happily.
Sometimes, not. “I only get 2 days off a week. And, one of those days has to be for groceries and errands. So, my only other day off is spent traveling to see you.”
That stung. It made me feel like a chore. I began to feel sad.
This is a good place to pause.
People! Relationships are not all about a honeymoon. They are work. And, if one of you is happy to do the work. And, one of you is trudging through the work.
There’s a big problem.
And, if nothing changes….nothing changes.
It was painful for me to need to ask my boyfriend if he wouldn’t mind initiating a “Good morning” text, once in awhile. It was even more painful when he said “Sure”. And a week later, it ceased.
It was painful when I would text him and he wouldn’t respond at all. And, I felt like an idiot when excuses came in like, “I got distracted by other things.”
Another good place to pause, and ask this question:
Why do we ignore pain in a relationship? Even when it’s blatantly compromising our ideals? Diminishing our Light? Reducing our self worth?
This is the simple truth:
Constant pain in a relationship, is the warning that something is wrong.
And, I’m not saying he was wrong.
Just wrong for me.
There are plenty of “low maintenance” boyfriends out there, who don’t care if they receive a “Good morning,’ text form their partner.
There are also plenty of guys who don’t mind being the one who makes all the plans in the relationship.
And, there are plenty of men who love being the one who is constantly in pursuit of their partner.
But, I aint that guy!
I love being in pursuit of a man I am attracted to and have feelings for. And I don’t require it to be 50/50. But, I need to be pursued, as well.
My ideal tells me that at my core; I need a man who is demonstrative with his love. Especially, when we’re living over 100 miles away from one another.
But, I stayed with him. I grew depressed. And, often times..I felt pathetic for staying.
I lied to myself, over and over again.
I told myself, if I hold on. Maybe, he’ll come around.
You know that bullshit we tell ourselves?
“If I love you more..maybe you’ll love me a little.”
As I write this, I can’t believe my own behavior.
So Sick.
As an addict in recovery, I still require something with depth and weight to really knock some sense into me. For me to see things for what they really are. Not for what I’d like them to be.
By nature, I am blinded by:
As are all addicts.
And, so the Universe did for me, what I couldn’t do for myself.
LA Pride.
My boyfriend decided to go to Pride without me. He invited an out-of-state friend to hang with him.
I asked if I could join them. He told me he wanted it to be a “buddy” weekend.
I told him that Pride was a big deal to me. I also indicated that it hurt to be left out of what would have been our first Pride together. He told me, “You never conveyed that to me. So, how would I have known that?”
I blurted out, “You never asked.”
I was hurt. I immediately made work plans for myself in NYC, over LA Pride weekend. Just so I would be kept busy, and not need to sit home, focusing on the reality of the situation.
I did say to my boyfriend, the day before I left for NYC. “Can you please send me a text? Just a single text, once a day. I feel insecure with your being at LA Pride without me.”
“Of course I will.”, he assured me.
Thursday. Day before Pride weekend began, I received a sweet text from him.
Friday. Nothing.
Saturday. Nothing,
By Saturday evening, I was wrecked. I was trying so hard to focus on work in NYC. But, the hurt bled through. I cried.
We don’t admit it to ourselves, when it’s happening.
But, if you grew up, and were traumatized by abandonment.
The second you relive it. That little hurt child comes out in us all.
And I broke down. Sending him several texts, followed by a phone call.
Hours later. Literally 12am EST time. He called and apologized. He told me, “I’m sorry. It was 100% my fault. I got caught up.”
Gentlemen…and ladies.
If your man (or woman) is too “caught up” in Pride parties for 2 days, to give you a call or text…
And, If your ideal tells you that love and nurturing are your core needs..
It’s time to turn the fucking page.
If you tell your partner you’re falling in love with him (or her) and he replies, “I don’t know what to say.”
It’s time to bounce.
I can’t love you enough to make you love me a little.
I can’t suck you off enough times, to hold your interest. If it’s not there.
And, I’m not going to waste another moment of my life trying to…ever again.
My ideal tells me that I need love to be expressed to me in words and actions.
Because, I can be accountable to do the same, in return.
And, maybe your ideal tells you that your core need to feel loved is:
Financial support and safety
Independence and very little intimacy.
Sex, sex, and more sex
Sensitivity and compassion.
Whatever your ideals are. They do exist. So, identifying them is completely necessary in order to experience happiness and harmony in your  relationship.
And, equally as necessary:
Identifying when your ideals aren’t being met.
Becoming willing to walk away from something that isn’t healthy. Even when your heart is begging you to stay.
I left him. Maybe, A little late. But, better late than never.
I find myself saying this more and more often:
This is not a rehearsal.
This is life.
And life is short lived.
And, I fought too hard for my sobriety to be miserable in my relationship.
I am so thankful for this sex ideal.
I learned from it, that I need a man with a HUGE heart.
Because, I have a HUGE heart.
So, yes. When it comes to love…
Size matters!

5 thoughts on “SIZE MATTERS!”

  1. After reading this post, I have an observation as someone who has just celebrated their 25th year of sobriety–You really are not in the proper headspace for a relationship. I do NOT say that to be mean or harsh. I am saying it because it is true. I read your words, and they told me that you still have not reached that space where you are completely and totally comfortable with it being “Just you”. Until you get to that point, no attempt at a romantic relationship is going to work. Again, I am not being harsh–just stating a basic reality for those of us with problems with chemicals & booze. Until we can be happy with solitude, then we cannot be happy as part of a pair. The fact that there was a physical distance issue and the fact that the other person seemed to be oblivious to you should have warned you off early on…but Life is what it is. If you want a relationship–NOT now, but eventually…since I think you need to get some headspace issues worked out first–then that person has to SEE you EVERY day. He has to touch you EVERY day. He has to talk to you EVERY day. That means that you shop in your local supermarket, and not the fancy one more than a ways down the road. There are a couple of other things I could add, but I won’t because they are not public consumption type thoughts, and you might get irritated by them. Summing up, I sympathize the situation, but when warning lights flash, you need to pay attention to them. Check Engine lights come on for a reason, so to speak.

  2. My wish for you Nick is that one day the reality of your love – the need, the desire, the security of such a beautiful concept – exceeds your dream.

    Until then may you find strength in the fact that you have the courage of conviction to know what it is that you want when it comes to love.

    Bravely continue to recognise that your heart is worthy of passion and the courtesy of communication when invested in a relationship. There is always time for both when true hearts unite.

    The very fact that you are open to putting your emotions on the line is admirable. That you recognise the danger signs of over-investing, for want of a better word, is self-awareness at its best. That you want to try again and find the size that fits is inspirational.

    Good things come to those who wait. Greater things come to those who try. Yet even greater things come to those who learn to respect personal ideals and refuse to settle for anything but what they deserve.

    By always facing everyone with a kind and forthright attitude, a gentle heart and a considerate smile you will enjoy the rewards of love in all its various forms.

  3. Sorry this happened but it seems like you two were very different. You need daily contact and you need to get back what you give. whereas he seems to be neither. So maybe it is for the best that things ended so you can move on to find someone more like you.

  4. Wow, just wanted to say how moved I was having read this and the first response from Kerry. I am not familiar with the world of addiction but I am all too aware first hand of how destructive its legacy can be. More than aware as well of the search for a “true fit” for love. Thank you Nick for letting me know I don’t walk that path alone!

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