Throughout my life, I’ve experienced many different facets of love and relationships.
Some beautiful. Some intense. Some chaotic. And some…downright destructive.
All of them have brought me to what I call my “fire”
I’ve learned. I’ve grown. I’ve bled.
Relationships do that to people
But, When Tony took his life, I felt like that part of me had died with him.
The part of me that was capable of loving a man. Trusting a man. Believing in a partnership. That was shattered.
I mourned. And, about a year following his suicide..I began to date again. I chose carefully, though. I dated men in a very “recreational” sense. Men with whom I had no attachments to. For the willingness to “let go”. To open my heart again, simply was not there.
Deep down, I was in tremendous fear. I couldn’t bare the idea of losing another love. The way I had lost Tony.. ever again.
My life did go on. But, as a single man. I had reconciled that I would never have real feelings for another man again.
I refocused my attention to getting sober and healthy again. My next focus..Rebuilding my name in the Industry. Spending time with my Ma. All good things. All things that I considered “safe” It was what I needed.
But, the human heart has many more layers. And the desire to love and be loved is there. Regardless, of how far away we hide it.
I really love the expression:
We make plans…and God laughs.
January, 2015 rolled around. I took my friend Jesse, to the Cybersocket Web awards in LA. After the awards, Jesse (being the daddy chaser that he is) asks if we could cruise over to the Eagle, (a leather bar)
It wasn’t my first choice, but considering I had dragged Jesse all the way from San Diego to LA, for a porn event..I figured I could at least indulge him in the bar of his choice.
We walked into the Eagle.
And, it just happened. There was this man. This gorgeous man. Blonde hair. Beautiful eyes. Thick beard. Intense stare. Our eyes locked.
I literally caught my breath. He was so handsome. And there was an aura about him, that was simply alluring.
We made eye contact, from across the bar, for at least 20 minutes. I was too shy to approach him. He really was that handsome. I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. My scruff alert went off. It was the man across the bar, messaging me.
I smiled. He smiled back at me. I walked over to him. And we began speaking. He introduced himself. His name was Cody. There was an earnestness to him that I found lacking in most men. There was a connection. And as I write this piece, I can’t find the verbiage to define what that connection was.
I will say this…
A tiny bit of ice that had frozen around my broken heart, melted…the moment I started speaking to Cody.
Cody and I spent the night together. Wrapped in one another’s arms.
The next morning, Cody left my hotel early to get to work.
And, I drove back to San Diego.
He and I continued to text one another over the next several weeks. Though, it was something completely random and brief, I couldn’t shake the instant connection I had felt when we met. The warmth I felt in that short time he had been in my arms.
And, so I took a chance. I invited him to San Diego to stay with me for the weekend. And, it was comfortable. It wasn’t a crazy, wild roller coaster. It was just comfortable. And, we connected further.
Cody and I continued to make time for one another. The 120 mile distance between us made it a bit more of a challenge.
But, this was special. In so many more ways than a typical love affair. Cody reawakened something inside me that I thought had died.
What is it about Cody that is so special?
He’s gentle. Yet stern. He’s authentic. He isn’t afraid in the slightest, to stand up to me when I’m being ridiculous. And he’s so fucking sexy.
I still get butterflies in my stomach when he’s close to me. That is something I haven’t felt with a man in years.
One of my favorite things that we share is when we sleep.
I generally will cuddle with a guy for about 10 minutes. Then, I shake him off. And, I go to my end of the bed. It’s just the way I am.
Every time Cody and I sleep together, we “chase” one another…all night long. I’ll roll over. He rolls over to hold me. He rolls over. I roll over and pull him next to me.
And the sheer gratitude I feel towards him.. Cody is teaching me that I can open up to another man again…and not fear losing him to the hands of death.
This doesn’t mean I am void of defect in this relationship.
This isn’t a fairy tale.
I do feel tremendous fear, at times.
Fear of being vulnerable. Fear of being hurt. Tons of fear.
Sometimes, I feel downright twisted.
But, I’m learning that it’s ok to get a little twisted, in the game of love.
I’d rather be twisted. Wrapped up in the arms of the storm. Then frozen. Alone. Guarded.
I tell this little story, because I have a feeling that I’m not the only man or woman out there whom has loved deeply….and lost terribly.
It’s so much easier to shroud the heart, once its been broken into a million pieces. To lock it away and protect it from ever being hurt again.
Or maybe…just maybe…when you least expect it. Someone will come creeping up on you. On your heart. And you’ll find yourself getting a little twisted. And You’ll feel yourself falling. All over again. Into the arms of the storm.