I can’t begin to tell you how many years of my life were spent feeling lonely, insecure, unworthy of love…and so much more.
When you feel that way about yourself, it perpetuates bad choices.
Every bad choice I made was a reflection of how little my self worth was.
I would date guys who were emotionally unavailable. Because, I didn’t feel worthy of love.
I would do dope. Copious amounts of narcotics every day. And I knew they were killing me. But, I didn’t feel worth of being alive.
And then something happened. I got sober.
Not just a little sober. Totally sober.
Getting sober was the first act of love I’d shown myself in decades. It reflected a desire to live again.
Once I took that step to get sober, it got me to pondering that spiritual law:
Does what we put out to the Universe, really come back to us 3 fold?
My history had shown that it did.
The more that I mistreated myself in the past: Hating myself. Doing dope. Killing myself. The more I drew people to me who were abusive, cheated on me, stole from me, and hurt me.
When you don’t feel worthy of anything good in this life…you get shit.
But, just because we get sober, doesn’t mean we become the model of “good health”
At around 9 months sober, I began casually dating a man. He was attractive. Good sex. And we shared a common bond in work. However, he drove me fucking crazy! Everywhere we went…drama ensued. Tantrums. Chaos.
The red flags were there. But, I hand’t dated in sobriety this time around. So, I wasn’t capable of applying that spirit law to my dating life.
I couldn’t wrap my brain around the fact that the man I choose to date is a direct reflection of my own self worth.
Side note: MEN! BEWARE!!
Your penis can be what I call the “ice cream assassin”
When your penis dips into something sweet. It’s gonna tell your brain that the person attached to the hole it has taken a liking to, is an ANGEL.
Even if this person is really SYBIL.
Sobriety is a great thing, though. It doesn’t give me the luxury to lie to myself for very long.
Yes, my dick enjoyed this crazy guy’s hole. But, my brain was getting healthy enough to separate the true from the false.
I remember having a conversation with my Ma. I said, “Ma…I dig this guy. But, he’s too chaotic. I didn’t get sober to be dating an insane person.”
That was it!
I had acknowledged out loud, to my Ma…and to the Universe. I deserved better!
And, I let this guy go.
Several months later. My one year sober rolled around. It was the holidays. and, I met a guy. An adorable military pup.
He was handsome. We got along well. And he was sane! He was mellow. No drama. No chaos.
This spiritual equation…The idea that if I took certain steps through my actions (not just my words) to show the universe that I was worthy of better. I would receive better. It was evolving in me.
Now. That doesn’t mean you get your Prince Charming, on your first few tries!
Christmas rolled around. Me and my military pup were getting closer. I was growing fond of him. Movies. Dinner. Meeting his friends. Sleepovers.
And New Years Eve rolled around.
For me, New Years Eve is special. I no longer drink. I no longer party. But, kissing someone special on New Years Eve is a special sentiment, that I really like.
The military pup invited me out with him and his girlfriend, who was visiting from out of town. Perfect! The day of NYE, I text military pup, asking him what time we would be meeting up.
This is the response I got back: “I’m really sorry. My girlfriend is super high maintenance. And if you’re out with us, she’s gonna get all butt hurt, because I’m not giving her my undivided attention.”
Shock. I was so upset!
My sober buddies had invited me weeks before to LA with them. I had turned them down to hang with the military pup. And now, my friends had already left for LA, and the party they were all going to was sold out.
So, I was alone. I text military pup and told him that I had other options, but turned them down to be with him.
He apologized profusely. Needless to say, I ended up going to bed on NYC at 10:30pm after a good cry.
I don’t tell you this story now, to feel sorry for me. This small setback became a gift. I just didn’t see it at the time.
New Years Day. Military pup text me: “Hey. How are you doing, mister?”
I grabbed the phone. I wanted to respond. The “old me” wanted to forgive and move on. But, the “new me” was standing strong.
I had to ask myself: Is this the type of man I want to date?
The “old me” was chiming in: But, he’s mellow! And sweet! And I like him!!
Yes. He was all those things. But, I deserve BETTER!
You make plans with me on NYE and stand me up the day of…PEACE OUT!
I never responded to the text form military pup. I wasn’t volatile. I didn’t curse him out. I didn’t go to the gay porn blogs about him. (LOL) I just let him go.
And, it was ok. I was ok. I had, again, demonstrated to the Universe that I was worthy of more.
I tell you this story, in hopes that you will start asking yourself:
Where in your life are you selling yourself short?
In addiction to food, sex, gambling, shopping, alcohol, drugs…
Where are you accepting less than you’re worth?
I don’t know about you all. But, I used to be the type of person who needed to be in a ton of pain, in order to let go of something or someone bad for me.
My hand needed to metaphorically be on a burning stove to actually let go of something or someone I had grown “comfortable” with.
Today, I see that pain is an indicator that something is wrong. And if someone or something is bringing me continuous pain, disharmony, or chaos…I need to let go.
I say this often:
This is not a rehearsal. This is life. And, it passes us by quickly. We can’t afford to settle for less than what we are worth today.
So, now…When do we decide to reclaim our self worth?