Last week, a girlfriend of mine contacted me. Her husband of seven years was dead. Unexpected. He went fast.
She asked me:
“How did you deal with Tony’s death? When does
the pain go away?”
I couldn’t answer those questions, reassuringly. So, I pantomimed the best answer I could.
I told her that, with time, the loss would become more manageable.
But, what I couldn’t bring myself to tell her, is that the pain from that kind of loss never goes away. It lingers. It ebs and flows. It encompasses the senses…
In so many ways.
I receive many questions from people, regarding Tony’s suicide.
This is what I know…
I know what it sounds like…When the nightbird calls. And death took him.
The deafening silence within. The moment I realized his soul was no longer here on this Earth.
I know what it feels like, when the heart shatters, like glass, into a million pieces..and I realized I would never hold him again.
I know what emptiness feels like…falling asleep; still reaching for him in bed
I know what it looks like…A beautiful sunset; then, turning to vast space…expecting him to still be standing there next to me.
I know what it smells like…the fragrance of his favourite cologne in the air…no longer clinging to his soft skin.
I know how limitlessly a day can stretch, waiting for his texts….that no longer come.
I know how vast the void is…looking into another man’s eyes…still wishing they were his.
To hear a song, that once symbolized our covenant to one another…that same song now fills my heart with so much sorrow.
I know what it feels like, knowing he is still there. In another stream of consciousness. Impossible for me to reach…
Yet, knowing I can’t let go.
I thought I knew it all before Tony died,
And now I realize…knowing doesn’t mean so much.
These are things I wish I never knew.
But, I know what it feels like.
I know what it looks like.
And, I know what it sounds like…