I Know What It Sounds Like…

Last week, a girlfriend of mine contacted me. Her husband of seven years was dead. Unexpected. He went fast.
She asked me:
“How did you deal with Tony’s death? When does the pain go away?”
I couldn’t answer those questions, reassuringly. So, I pantomimed the best answer I could.
I told her that, with time, the loss would become more manageable.
But, what I couldn’t bring myself to tell her, is that the pain from that kind of loss never goes away. It lingers. It ebs and flows. It encompasses the senses…
In so many ways.
I receive many questions from people, regarding Tony’s suicide.
This is what I know…
I know what it sounds like…When the nightbird calls. And death took him.
The deafening silence within. The moment I realized his soul was no longer here on this Earth.
I know what it feels like, when the heart shatters, like glass, into a million pieces..and I realized I would never hold him again.
I know what emptiness feels like…falling asleep;  still reaching for him in bed
I know what it looks like…A beautiful sunset; then, turning to vast space…expecting him to still be standing there next to me.
I know what it smells like…the fragrance of his favourite cologne in the air…no longer clinging to his soft skin.
I know how limitlessly a day can stretch, waiting for his texts….that no longer come.
I know how vast the void is…looking into another man’s eyes…still wishing they were his.
To hear a song, that once symbolized our covenant to one another…that same song now fills my heart with so much sorrow.
I know what it feels like,  knowing he is still there. In another stream of consciousness. Impossible for me to reach…
Yet, knowing I can’t let go.
I thought I knew it all before Tony died,
And now I realize…knowing doesn’t mean so much.
These are things I wish I never knew.
But, I know what it feels like.
I know what it looks like.
And, I know what it sounds like…

14 thoughts on “I Know What It Sounds Like…”

  1. Oh My Word Nick! Now I understand your loss! You have me crying to know what true love is! I heartfelt feel your loss and pain! Knowing that I can’t do anything about it! But my Friend, time is a great healer! Some a short time, some it takes a while longer! But know that I’m here for you! My love and support is here for you always! Love you always! Xoxo

  2. I don’t think anyone has ever really described their feelings of loss than what have just done here Nick. Nothing anyone says will ever heal your pain. Only you can find that. And I wish you all the luck in the world! The love you & Tony shared will always be a part of who you are!! xoxo

  3. Oh papa, i love you so much and you know i and the family are always here. As you know i lost my mom the say way and yes it becomes manageable. You remember the good times but the pain does linger, eb and flow. Just know he watches over you and is so proud of you. And he wants you to be happy. Love you papa xoxo

    1. I love you so much, Feisty. I realize how connected you are to this story, through your own personal experience. You know what it sounds like, too. xoxo

      1. I love you so much papa. Yes i know what it sounds, feels, smells like and all that goes with it. You are inspiring me to start writing again. Time to keep a journal and do that. I used to write short stories and poems. As well as i love to read a lot. I think i will write my own I know what it sounds like. 🙂 I love you papa.

  4. The intensity of your words and your willingness to share such a powerful and intimate reflection is equally brave, touching, humbling and heart-wrenching.

    One cannot help but feel compassion for you. One cannot help but feel compassion for your friend. My wish is that you both find peace as you draw strength from the comfort and support of those that care and long to help you with your journey.

    Nick, what you shared with Tony was, and is, your centre-stage relationship. That will always be true. Your words honour and respect what you shared as a united force and in essence keep the memory of your beloved alive.

    The power of your passion is evident. You may be physically separated but you are eternally linked. Your mind, your heart, your soul, your very being will continue to feel the bond that you created. Treasure this above all. Allow random moments – a lingering scent, a shared song, a glorious sunset – to wrap you up in your shared love and strengthen your spirit.

    There are no magic words, no miraculous sentiments, no definitive timeline to counteract grief and loss. The simple truth is that it will always be with you. Grief is the constant – what you do with it and what power you allow it to possess is the variable.

    Your inner strength will always amaze me. Your creative talent, be it your writing or performing, will always catch my attention. Your consideration for others and your genuine appreciation for the small tokens of support one sends will always be an inspiration and appreciated. For all this I thank you, just as I’m sure your other supporters of this blog, Quentin and Anthony, do.

    As Lee Ann Womack sings: “I may not go down in history, I just want someone to remember me . . . But if I will love then I will find that I have touched another life, and that’s something, something worth leaving behind.”

    As a courtesy we will always remember.

    1. Dearest Kerry!
      Thank You for your continued support of our Beautiful Nick! Your words are nothing short of beauty from within! I share your sentiments to point! It’s time like this that our humble, beautiful Nick needs from his true fans, followers and friends! Nick heartfelt touches my heart and being the day we made a connection! His inspiration, dedication and commitment words cannot express! His friendship is world class and I cannot express my thoughts, feelings and being what he does for me on a daily basis! Nick has truly taught me in the last few months that I am my master of my doings! Only I can do it! I live by these words constantly! That’s why I do the things I do for him! Many a tweets out there say “I am buying his Love”! This is so far from the truth! As you, like me! Our small tokens of affection we give Nick, just means we appreciate what he does for us. Just by being there for us! Whether it be a shout out or a shoulder to lean on or even an ear to hear us! Nick is such an humble soul once to get to know him! He’s human like the rest of us! He’s not perfect like the rest of us, he makes the same mistakes like any human being does! This much I know that he learns from them to make him who he is! I could never feel the pain he feels, but this much I do know! I am, like you and Quentin will always Love and Support him! So my friend, lets do what we do and know best! Keep behind Nick always! I was told just the other day by a very dear friend that we are his “light when darkness wants in”! So thanks to You, Quentin and Myself or whom ever writes on Nick’s blog a heartfelt thanks! Always your friend.

      1. Thank you Anthony. Your kind words are a gift that I will truly treasure. Friends are like diamonds, rich and rare. Simple courtesy is a joy.

        Nick often mentions the concept of connection. There is beauty and comfort in that belief. Just as there is the promise of strength and the hope of a guiding light to direct us along the path of life.

        I willingly admit that I tend to exist within my own mind and forget that I can invite the physical world to join my unique party. The beauty of Nick, and what he shares with us on his blog, is that he inspires us to be courageous. He challenges us to recognise ourselves and instigate change for the better. He gives a voice to those that are looking for an avenue of expression. He allows us embrace life anew.

        As a mark of respect you, I and others on this blog, will support Nick by word and deed. The act of giving is a reward unto itself Anthony. Nick is always so genuine in his acceptance that there can be no wrong is our expression of appreciation and thanks. Sadly people may judge this because they do not understand, nor wish to comprehend a different view to their own rigid code. Continue to fight the good fight my friend. You are not alone.

        Apologies for the ramble. Today my inner mouse wanted to roar.

    2. Kerry…Words can’t express how deeply touched I am by your constant support. Thanks for relating and taking the time to share with me. I am so knocked out that we are all making this connection.

  5. I have to say this… Kerry & Anthony, when I read your comments I just burst into tears. Like Nick, you two are inspirations. I always say to Nick that I will never know exactly what he is going through but reading his blog helps me to try and put some perspective into trying my best to overcome the demons I deal with. I do everything I can to look at each day as different to the day before.

    I find it hard to look in the mirror and like anything about myself. I have the worst self esteem ever to the point that most days I’m disappointed that I have woken up and yet Nick wakes up everyday with this amazing strength and sense of self and gets on with life. Yet he knows where he has been and freely acknowledges that he has a long road ahead of him. But he tackles it head on. To have that type of strength really amazes me.

    You both are amazing people and whilst when I read your words I feel that I’m not worthy to be part of this existence, I do feel a small bit of comfort from what you both say.

    So thank you to all 3 of you for helping me to try and see that things can get better!!

    1. Quentin, you have my compassion and my tender heart wants to say this to you:

      Tears cleanse the soul and open your eyes to another day. My wish for you is that each new day will shine brighter than the day before but never as bright as the future days to come.

      You have the strength within you. Continue to find inspiration in others like Nick. Never doubt that you are equally amazing. Take comfort wherever and whenever it finds you and embrace the living light out of it.

      A mirror is merely a reflection. Quite often it won’t reflect what we want to see. If that happens to you simply smile, laugh with yourself and wink at who you see. It’s difficult to do, no journey of life is easy, but it can change the reflection before you given time.

      Two days ago Nick amazed me with the words of his blog. Yesterday the kindness of Anthony allowed my inner mouse to roar. Today Quentin your honesty calls to my little Aussie battler spirit. Until you believe you can, you can’t. For what it’s worth I believe you can. And remember, we ‘Caprateers’ unite and stand together wherever in this world we may be.

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