I care what you think. Yep. I admit it.
I have a deep seated desire to be liked, related to, understood, and accepted by people; by virtual strangers!
Sound insane? There’s more…
When I’m surrounded by gay men:
In a club, at the gym, walking down the street…I fear being judged, unliked, spoken poorly of, and shunned.
Have you ever considered how much of the day you spend wondering and worrying about what other people are thinking about you? How about what your loved ones, friends, lovers, associates are thinking of you?
Here’s a valuable lesson I’ve learned over the past several years:
I will always care what you and other people think about me to a certain extent..it’s in my nature. But, at the end of the day..I really don’t give a fuck!
I am sensitive. I want to be accepted and loved by people. But, I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow myself to be defined by your perceptions of who you think I should be.
I’ve spoken about being in an anonymous subculture, where sobriety is the emphasis. In this subculture, it is recommended that you get yourself a “sponsor” to help guide you through 12 tenets.
In 2008 I came across a woman who forever altered the course of my life. She is controversial, she is passionate, and she has the ability to translate the meaning behind these 12 tenets like no one I’ve ever met. She became my sponsor.
One of the major traditions practiced in this subculture says:
“Our leaders are but trusted servants..They do not govern”
Over time I realized that my sponsor was a dictator.
And boy, does she govern.
She governs a “church” inside of this subculture. Where she is the self proclaimed “High Priestess”.
She ordains sycophants as her “junkie disciples”.
These sycophants run around to other meetings outside of her “church”, foaming at the mouth, spouting off her quotes like rabid evangelists.
You must conform to her rules, or you are quickly excommunicated from her world.
I learned many important spiritual laws from this woman. I was also, like the rest of her followers, perpetually at her mercy.
She told me I was living a “double life” because I was trying to become a spiritual man while still shooting Porn.
She told me I was “blocked spiritually” because I danced across the stages of the world in a jock strap.
So, I can’t be spiritual as a sex worker??
Let’s talk about that for a second…
I love being a notorious gay public figure. Does that mean I can’t meditate and live a spiritual life as well?? Bullshit!
I allowed her judgements to fragment my belief system and my self esteem.
I use this story as an example to you guys because I want you to ask yourself this:
How many times in your life have you really enjoyed something you were doing, (a job, an art, a hobby, or a lifestyle) but because someone you love (your partner, mentor, parent, or friends) judged you for it….you began to doubt yourself?
When have you bought into someone else’ bullshit and swallowed your “light”, cuz they said it wasn’t right??
If you are doing anything that empowers you, makes you feel good about yourself, and brings you to your “Fire”…DO IT!!!
And if anyone (no matter who they are to you) tries to tell you that what you’re doing makes you a less righteous, less spiritual, or less beautiful person because their God says so…
Politely tell them to go fuck themselves.
We as gay men have got to be exactly who we are meant to be, or we are sacrificing our own personal and spiritual growth to conform to other people’s beliefs.
And the next time you are at the gay bar or gym and you’re feeling bent, wondering what all the other gay guys are thinking about you…Take a good look at yourself in the mirror and give yourself a little wink.
Cuz you are fucking beautiful inside and out!