I Care…But, I Really Don’t Give a Fuck!!

I care what you think. Yep. I admit it. 

I have a deep seated desire to be liked, related to, understood, and accepted by people; by virtual strangers!
Sound insane? There’s more…
When I’m surrounded by gay men:
In a club, at the gym, walking down the street…I fear being judged, unliked, spoken poorly of, and shunned.
Have you ever considered how much of the day you spend wondering and worrying about what other people are thinking about you? How about what your loved ones, friends, lovers, associates are thinking of you?
Here’s a valuable lesson I’ve learned over the past several years:
I will always care what you and other people think about me to a certain extent..it’s in my nature. But, at the end of the day..I really don’t give a fuck!
I am sensitive. I want to be accepted and loved by people. But, I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow myself to be defined by your perceptions of who you think I should be.
I’ve spoken about being in an anonymous subculture, where sobriety is the emphasis. In this subculture, it is recommended that you get yourself a “sponsor” to help guide you through 12 tenets.
In 2008 I came across a woman who forever altered the course of my life. She is controversial, she is passionate, and she has the ability to translate the meaning behind these 12 tenets like no one I’ve ever met. She became my sponsor.
One of the major traditions practiced in this subculture says:
“Our leaders are but trusted servants..They do not govern”
Over time I realized that my sponsor was a dictator.
And boy, does she govern.
She governs a “church” inside of this subculture. Where she is the self proclaimed “High Priestess”.
She ordains sycophants as her “junkie disciples”.
These sycophants run around to other meetings outside of her “church”, foaming at the mouth, spouting off her quotes like rabid evangelists.
You must conform to her rules, or you are quickly excommunicated from her world.
I learned many important spiritual laws from this woman. I was also, like the rest of her followers, perpetually at her mercy.
She told me I was living a “double life” because I was trying to become a spiritual man while still shooting Porn.
She told me I was “blocked spiritually” because I danced across the stages of the world in a jock strap.
So, I can’t be spiritual as a sex worker??
Let’s talk about that for a second…
I love being a notorious gay public figure. Does that mean I can’t meditate and live a spiritual life as well?? Bullshit!
I allowed her judgements to fragment my belief system and my self esteem.
I use this story as an example to you guys because I want you to ask yourself this:
How many times in your life have you really enjoyed something you were doing, (a job, an art, a hobby, or a lifestyle) but because someone you love (your partner, mentor, parent, or friends) judged you for it….you began to doubt yourself?
When have you bought into someone else’ bullshit and swallowed your “light”, cuz they said it wasn’t right??
If you are doing anything that empowers you, makes you feel good about yourself, and brings you to your “Fire”…DO IT!!!
And if anyone (no matter who they are to you) tries to tell you that what you’re doing makes you a less righteous, less spiritual, or less beautiful person because their God says so…
Politely tell them to go fuck themselves.
We as gay men have got to be exactly who we are meant to be, or we are sacrificing our own personal and spiritual growth to conform to other people’s beliefs.
 And the next time you are at the gay bar or gym and you’re feeling bent, wondering what all the other gay guys are thinking about you…Take a good look at yourself in the mirror and give yourself a little wink.
Cuz you are fucking beautiful inside and out!

3 thoughts on “I Care…But, I Really Don’t Give a Fuck!!”

  1. Well said my Friend! You do inspire the best in Me! Yes for years I felt unworthy! I felt nobody loves me! But now! I really starting to love Myself! Yes I am worth the very essence that Life has to offer me daily! Yes they can all “Go Fuck Themselves” I am living for me now! I can and I will overcome their selfish thoughts, ways and their Beliefs! Yes I do care! It’s in me to do, but at the end of the day….. No one really gives a Fuck about me! But I do, I do and I do care about Me! Thank You Heartfelt for allowing me to Really Give A Fuck about ME! Your Friend Always… Anthony

  2. True wealth is not measured by money or status but by your ability as a human to see in others the reflection of yourself. As no advantage can be gained by judging yourself try not to reflect judgement upon others. The desire to be liked, understood and accepted for who you are is universal. To be truly seen and embraced as yourself is like a precious diamond – unique and rare, gifted to but a few, desired by many.

    These qualities are proof positive of your compassionate nature Nick. Such compassion, by definition, is spiritual.

    I accept that your sponsor has the right to her opinion. Opinions are vital in this world and I will fight for the right for each individual to possess the freedom and luxury of such. Just as I will fight for my freedom and luxury to view things differently.

    My poor but honest opinion is this.

    Spirituality belongs to the individual. There is no definitive right or wrong. It is designed to bring peace, to affect the human spirit, to nurture and to reach out to others with empathy, consideration and care. All aspects of your career do just that.

    People who opt to frown upon such a career fail to see the vital service that you provide. Confined by walls of perceived perfection they do not recognise the need to view life beyond the moral dictates of a select few and appreciate the joy and simple human pleasure you provide to countless people.

    The comfort of touch, the gift of connection, the feeling of togetherness, the celebration of physical contact, the illusion that we are not alone. You provide this and more because of who you are and what you do. How is this wrong? How is this not spiritual?

    As a man you are separate from the career that you have chosen to follow. You are not governed by one, nor should you be defined by the other. There is no double life, merely different aspects of one soul. Every step of your journey is a lesson to be learned and valued. Each lesson is a unique gift designed to strengthen your character and empower your soul.

    Celebrate who you are. Celebrate that you are beautiful inside and out. Celebrate the fact that you care. But above all, celebrate the fact that among men you are a true gentleman.

    Regards and thanks for giving a voice to the people,

    [As an aside, Anthony keep fighting the good fight. In life there is no guarantee that you will find exactly what you are looking for but each day that passes is one step closer to that very possibility. Embrace who you are, find joy in the process and enjoy life according to your own terms. In their own unique way people do care.]

    1. Thanks Kerry! For your heartfelt Words are comforting! Yes I will continue to fight my inner being, knowing that Yes I do care! I will overcome this! Yes I Can! Yes I will! For Only I Can!
      Thanks Again!

      On a side note….Nick! A heartfelt Thank You! You are truly a Man among Men! A true Gentleman!
      I can Truly call you “A Friend” and know that I will continue to “Be A Friend to You Always!” XoXo

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