5 years. God. It feels like 5 lifetimes. People celebrate anniversaries as milestones. As celebrations.
And, Each year I tell myself that next year will be different. Next year, I’ll figure out a way to celebrate the life you lived, and just be content with that. But, that year still hasn’t come.
However, I do want you to know. I want the world to know..just how beautiful of a man you were.
I’ve never met anyone so handsome. So masculine. Yet, so soft. So vulnerable.
Before you and I ever met, I would secretly watch you dancing with your friends at Rich’s. When you would throw your head back and laugh, it made me smile. Your energy was that infectious.
Let’s face it. I’ve had a lot of pups. But, after our first date, I was the puppy, when it came to you.
Easily excited. Eager to please. And, I followed you wherever you went. It was one of the greatest joys I ever had, just to chase after you. And you would run, laughing your deep laugh. Glancing over your shoulder occasionally, just to make sure I was still at your heels.
Remember the snow in Palm Springs? You nailed me in the face with a huge clump of snow, and ran. Laughing and laughing as I chased you. I loved the sound of your laughter more than anything. It made my heart dance. It made my heart melt. Cuz you were my heart.
Every morning I awoke considering what I could do that day just to make you laugh. And every night, I slept happily if I had succeeded.
That wasn’t always an easy task. Sometimes, you could be downright impossible.
“What do you want for dinner, lil babies?” I would ask.
“I want chicken, veggies, and NO DESSERT!”
“Are you sure you don’t want dessert, Tony? Cuz I’m not getting up at 10pm, after we’re in the middle of Vampire Diaries, to go back out for dessert.”
“Yes, Papa. I’m sure. I do not want dessert.”
10:15pm would roll around and you’d start nudging me…”Papa..I think I want dessert”
I would legit be irritated with you. Half asleep. Crabby. But, you always convinced me to get up at some ridiculous hour to fetch your carrot cake with cream cheese frosting from City Deli.
Every rule I tried to make you would seemingly always get me to break. And, I did it each time happily. Cuz you were so worth breaking every rule.
And the circuit parties. Tony! You knew how much I loathed circuit parties. But, I was always right there with you, cuz I had the hottest man dancing shirtless, shaking his ass next to me. Rihanna’s “We Found Our Love” would inevitably get played and you’d throw your arms around me and kiss me each time that song came on. I think I spent several years at circuit parties, just for that single moment. I still can feel the butterflies that would flutter in my stomach when you’d press yourself against me, and look into my eyes. Your deep set eyes. They danced with the bright light that reflected from you. And, it wasn’t just me. Everyone felt your light. Everyone loved you, my sweet prince. Because thats what you were. To me. To your clients. To your friends. You were a prince. And, I felt so incredibly insecure at times, because your light burned so bright.
Time seemed to stretch limitlessly during the years we spent together. And then time held me prisoner. Chained to the guilt and sadness I felt that we were no longer with one another.
But, time and age also have a way of humbling men. And, today, I remember you with far more happiness, than I do sorrow. I was the man you chose to spend a good chunk of your heart with. I was the man who was blessed to have shared love with someone as special as you. I was the guy who got his secret crush! Just like out of a fairytale. And, though love was lost..I know it will be found again. I know we aren’t done. I know there is still more. And yes, the impatient, selfish side of me is resentful that our time isn’t now. But, my heart rests comfortably knowing we will be together again, someday.
I wanted to tell you that I love today, as much as I loved you then. I wanted to acknowledge you on this day, and let everyone know that I will always keep your memory alive. And, I want you to know that you will forever be my perfect, sweet prince.
I love you, Tony.
Doug aka Nick Capra
In loving memory of:
Anthony Charles Serafini Jr
6/1/67 – 5/7/13