I never really expected for you and I to ever meet. You were always this beautiful man, whom I would secretly steal looks at, whilst working out at the gym.
Dark hair and sideburns. Deep set, dark eyes. Beautiful, sculpted body. You were perfect. I would watch as people you knew, approached you at the gym. You always greeted everyone with a smile. And, that deep infectious laugh. I had such a crush on you. Like a schoolboy.
The day I received a message from you on Facebook. I was so caught off guard. Mostly, by how ballsy and to the point you were. You didn’t even greet me with a “hello” or “what’s up?”
The message read: “How come you completely ignore me at the gym? Like, go out of your way to snub me, every time I try to make eye contact with you?”
I responded as honestly as I knew how..”Because you’re so gorgeous, and I’m so completely intimidated by you.. I really don’t what more to do.”
And you melted.
And it began.
You and I.
Our first date, January 27, 2010.
I’ve written about his before. But, it’s such a distinct memory for me right now.
Our first date.
You were trying to make casual conversation with me. And I couldn’t engage. I was literally shaky from nerves. I excused myself to the men’s room. I locked myself in the men’s stall and literally prayed to whatever Gods were out there. I asked for the ability to be authentic with you. To subside my fears. And prayed that I wouldn’t fuck this date up with my dream man. I’d never felt so helpless on a first date before. I was always in control. That was part of my fascination with you, Tony. I completely “fell” for you.
I came back to our booth from the bathroom, and I confessed how nervous I was feeling. You looked at me with such a sweet expression. You eyes had a way of dancing with light. I always loved the way your eyes would smile at me, babe.
6 months into our relationship, you told me I didn’t need to chase you so hard. You said with a smile, “You had me the moment you told me you had locked yourself in the bathroom stall and prayed, babe”
But, I still chased you. It never ceased to grow old. Me chasing you. And you running, laughing, and always letting me catch you.
We spent so much time over 2 1/2 years together. Teaching one another. Loving. Fighting. Reconciling. Learning. We knew one another so well.
We just didn’t know how limited our time was. I never really understood how fragile you really were, babe. Too fragile for this world.
It all feels like a bad dream, sometimes. One moment you were here in my arms. And then you were gone. First, gone form my life. Then, gone from this world.
The day I received the phone call. May 7, 2013. From Chris. He told me you were gone. My world stopped. A part of me felt like it died with you.
The guilt I feel. The remorse. All the things I wish I could have said to you before you left.
And the absolute anguish I feel. knowing I couldn’t save you.
And when people try to console me. They don’t get it. They tell me, “He’s watching over you. He’s still here with you.”
I want to spit in their faces and scream at the top of my lungs. “He’s not here. My baby is gone. He’s gone, and I can’t bring him back”
And, I know it’s selfish.
But, I want you back in this world so badly. Just long enough to hear you say, “It’s ok, babe. It wasn’t your fault. I love you, too.”
I would do anything to hold you one last time. And, tell you how much you meant to me. What an impact you had on my life. How very special you were to everyone you met.
And to tell you how sorry I am for your inconsolable pain.
I wish I could have saved you, baby. I just couldn’t.
And, I do know I will see you again one day. I just wish it were now.
Your love changed me, Tony. It made me the man I am today.
And, you left me with so many memories. I will always cherish them and hold those memories sacred.
You and I had so many songs that made up the “soundtrack” to our relationship, while you were alive.
And now that you’re gone..there are many more.
I woke this morning, with this song in my mind…thinking of you.
I love you, Tony. Always.