Porn. The Industry. Gay stardom. Notoriety.
From the rear view…as a fan. It all looks so enticing. Fun. Nasty. Glamorous.
As a performer. It can be a rather slippery slope. Let’s face it. The adult film industry is a very extreme machine.
The studios see the performer as a money machine. And they use that machine until it ceases to produce revenue..or it simply falls apart.
In the past, I’ve allowed the Industry to completely define me. My self worth was literally based on how much adoration I received from my fan base. How viable Nick Capra was in the Industry.
If anything great was written about me in a porn blog, I was filled with a sense of false power. If anything critical was said about me in a porn blog I was rageful. If there was an award I was up for, and lost…I was bent. If I got the box cover of the video, I was momentarily appeased…but, always wanting more.
It was a rather meaningless existence.
No matter how much I acquired through the Industry. It was never enough. I certainly wasn’t comfortable in my skin. I was constantly displacing irritation with my life, onto others. I blamed other people for the fuck ups that happened in my career. Drove my agent, the late Dak King…out of his mind!
I was driven by a malady of my spirit. The symptoms of that malady: Restless. Irritable. Discontent.
And it was magnified by my perpetual need for validation. What do you think of Nick Capra??
I felt very much like a spinning wheel. There were moments that felt like happiness. But never true joy. I was too busy moving on to each new project. I never stopped to enjoy any of my success.
And then I fell..into a mushroom cloud of crap. Delusion, obsession, illusion.
It was earth shattering to realize that all of the things that I was focusing my attention towards revolved around a ficticious character…Nick Capra.
I left the industry. For 4 years. I experienced a lot of things in that time. And then, through a very tragic turn of events. Something happened. I got sober. That was a huge turning point for me. Getting sober was the first really worthy investment I had made in my true self, in a long time.
Once my body straightened out, physically. Once I detoxed. I began to rediscover who I really was. I found that I am a a very sensitive, loving, emotional, generous, erratic, angry, thoughtful, creative, entitled human being. I took inventory of my good character traits. And the bad ones. And I began cultivating the traits that served me.
My creative side got expressed through my writing. My loving side grew, as I re-established the severed relationship with my Ma. Friends, whom had turned their backs on me, due to my abusing drugs, came back into my life.
I also began identifying character traits within me that I found objectionable, and worked on getting rid of them.
And then I made a choice. To come back to the industry. Sober. And I promised myself that this time I would do it differently.
What do I do differently this time in the industry?
I realize today that regardless if I succeed or fail as Nick Capra, that I don’t lose any of the wonderful gifts that remain in my heart. I can give them away. Surrender them to the ego that is generated through this fictional porn character.
Or, I can have balance.
My sobriety is my #1 priority. My writing fulfills me more than any box cover or magazine cover ever will. The time I spend with Ma is precious to me. I grieve Tony’s suicide and allow myself that pain. I have a blast with my friends. People who knew and loved me before there was ever a Nick Capra. People who don’t want anything from being associated with a gay porn star. I started dating a really sweet guy. Who isn’t in the industry.
Those things are all completely necessary for me.
I love this Industry. I love Nick Capra. But, I don’t ever want to feel like the light inside my soul has been diminished by the machine.
And, I watch the boys who are just coming into the industry. Even the ones who have been around for just a few years. And I smile.
I wish I could convey the things I have learned to them. To save them from the crash that each of them will eventually experience, once their time in the industry passes.
But, lets face it. We are all really self centered creatures. I thought I knew it all when I was where they are now. And you couldn’t tell me shit.
So, I sit. I watch. I listen. Porn sets are one of my favorite places to get grounded. I take my notebook with me. I write my stories .And I listen to the other performers.
As they speak over one another about how “famous” they are, and how many twitter followers they have… and I remember.
I don’t ever want to be that person again. It was a very lonely, isolated existence. I often wonder what I was thinking…before I was thinking.
I was just saying to my agent, Michael, yesterday. We are all on different paths. And maybe all that porn stuff. It’s enough for some of the now boys. Its just not enough for me.
There was a huge hole in my Spirit. That Porn simply will never be big enough to fill
I realize that there is a much bigger picture for me in this world.
And it supersedes what you think of me. How you perceive me. And, how much you love to watch me fuck.
I take inventory daily, on how much I am being loving towards myself, and others. What am I doing to grow? How much am I sharing my experience, strength, and hope with others? Freely? Without asking for anything in return.
Cuz in the end. That’s what its really all about…isn’t it?