As my one year anniversary approaches, I find myself feeling somewhat reflective.
It’s always important for me to remember where I was a year ago, what has happened in the past year, and exactly where I am today.
The most common question I’ve received from people over the past year was:
“Why did you come back to the Industry?”
I think that my actions this past year, greatly reflect my answer to that question…
I came back to the Industry, because I knew that the platform I would have, as a notorious public figure in the gay community, would allow me to share my stories with an audience.
All my life I felt different. Defective.
I grew up with an extremely abusive father, who convinced me at a very young age that I wasn’t worthy of love.
I was picked on from age six, through high school..for being gay. And for being what society considered a “freak”.
I fought a fifteen year battle with hardcore narcotics, that almost killed me several times.
Low self esteem. Body dysmorphia. Self loathing.
And, the event that inevitably changed my life forever…the suicide of my great love, Tony Serafini.
But, the strength of the human spirit, and the will to live can be strong. Stronger than I ever knew.
I picked myself up almost one year ago, and silenced the voice in my head, that always told me, “No. You can’t.”
I began telling myself, “Yes, I can.”
I fought for my sobriety, one day at a time. I worked steps with a sponsor. Did meetings. Did the work.
I fought the demons of my past. Sought outside help. Did more work in therapy.
And now, I sit here, just days short of my one year sober…writing you.
My success in the gay porn Industry today, is not measured by how many videos I’ve appeared in, how beautiful you tell me that I am, which studios I’ve worked for, how many followers I have on Twitter, or how many box covers, and awards I accumulate.
The success I enjoy and revel in today comes from the email, comment, or note that I receive from the man or woman who is reading one of my little stories.
Relating to my pain. Sharing with me a similar experience that they have lived through.
I am not interested in becoming America’s next gay porn “sweetheart”. Nor am I interested in “conquering” or “taking over” the Industry; measuring my self worth by how many people enjoy looking at my cock and ass.
I’ve already done that…several times over. And it never made me feel whole.
I’ve learned that anyone can take their clothes off for the entire world, and still wear a mask.
Allowing myself to be authentic. Vulnerable. And relatable to others.
That is why I am back.
And maybe…just maybe…one of you will read something I wrote, and walk away with some hope.
I want to take a brief moment to acknowledge several men who no longer have the luxury of being alive, as I do today…
And my angel…Arpad Miklos
Each of these men were plagued by challenges, just as I have been.
Drugs, depression, surviving a suicide.
And each of these men, were beautiful, special, and shined, in their own unique ways.
I could have died from my drug abuse, or by my own hand..many, many times.
For some reason..I was spared.
And, I don’t take that for granted.
Remembering these beautiful men who fell, just as I have. Remembering where I come from. And staying focused on my singleness of purpose, inside an Industry filled with worldly clamors. Sharing with you as openly and honestly as I know how…that is why I came back. That is why I stay.
I don’t want to be remembered as the just anothjer gay porn star.
I want to be remembered as a man who fell…got back up…and inspired others to do the same.
I urge each of my friends, fans, and followers to go out into this world and fight.
Fight to be a better version of the man or woman that you were yesterday.
Share your stories with others…your heartaches…your heartbreaks…and most of all…your solutions.
Never forget where you come from…for memories become stepping stones…for you…and for the person trudging this path behind you.
All my love..