Proud Bottoms…Unite!

Gay men love to get fucked for a multitude of reasons:

The heightened physical sensation they experience while their prostate is being massaged.
The exciting visual they get while being penetrated/dominated by another man.
The emotional bond and intimacy they feel when someone they love is inside of them.
So, why have we in our own gay culture turned bottoms into the weaker demographic??
Come on, guys…Don’t deny it!!
How many times have you been hanging out at a bar with your friends, when a hot, muscular guy walks in the room and you all gawk until someone in your circle chimes in, “Oh no, girl…he’s a big ol’ bottom!”
That term, “Big ol’  bottom”, has been around for generations. It is sometimes used with humor. But, so many times referenced with a level of prejudice.
Hot Top?
Big ol’ Bottom?
We are ALL men here. Does it really make us any more or less of a man because we choose to be primarily “anal insertive” or “anal receptive” in bed?
I am a top for several reasons. I admittedly have used Propecia for over a decade. Unbeknownst to most, Propecia’s primary medical use is to reduce the size of an enlarged prostate. I presume that having taken Propecia every day for over a decade. My prostate has probably been reduced to the size of a grain of sand. (Sorry. Not Sorry. I also have a full head of hair in my late 30’s and wouldn’t tradem that for anything!)
Trust me, guys..I’ve tried to be a bottom! Cuming from your prostate is the most intense orgasm a man can have.
Arpad Miklos (may he RIP) found my prostate is 2006 on the set of “Dirty Talk”. From that moment forward, until the end of 2008, I spent a good portion of my sex life trying to find the perfect top to validate why I should become a proud Bottom! As a novice bottom, I do have very particular standards for my potential top. (Probably molded by Arpad)
He has to be foreign (Eastern European preferably), accent, more muscular than I am, hairy chest, and uncut dick. That’s right, bitches. This Italian loves some foreskin!
I spent so much of 2008 bottoming for foreign dick all across the tri state area, I believe my ass hole was Angelina Jolie’s primary competition for being merited as an Ambassador for the United Nations!
It just didn’t work out for me. No one (and there were many) has ever made me cum from my ass the way Arpad did on that fateful day.
Don’t get me wrong..I am an ass man. If I have to choose a hot ass with a perfect hole or a hot dick, I’m going for the ass
However, had I found the right foreign top to make me squirt while fucking my ass, your damn right you would have a proud versatile man here!
So guys…let’s give one another a break!
Let’s honor ourselves and one another for whatever role we subscribe to in the bedroom.
The position you enjoy has absolutely NOTHING to do with your “manhood”!
How much of a man you are is contingent on how you live your life, treat other human beings, and handle personal struggles and victories.
You tops out there….
Be forever grateful for every bottom that pleasures your dick with their beautiful hole!
And, all you bottoms out there…
Own your bottom-hood. Be proud!
If nothing else, know that I respect and appreciate every bottom out there…or at least hope to in the future!

We Are The Weirdos, Mister!

We Are The Weirdos, Mister.

I wasn’t just born gay. I was born different. Growing up, I was either the center of attention, or I was being completely shunned for my outlandish behavior. 

Looking back at the other gay men whom I grew up with that later “came out”,  I simply wasn’t your typical gay kid. All the other gay kids that I grew up with liked the Bionic Woman better than the Six Million Dollar Man. However, unlike all the other gay boys, I didn’t fantasize about marrying the Six Million Dollar Man. I knew that I was going to marry David Bowie.
Yep. I was the strange one.
While all the other boys in the 6th grade were pirates, and jail birds, and transformers for Halloween.. I was Boy George.
At 12, I had already figured out that Siouxsie Sioux was the true Goddess-not Madonna.
At 13, I strayed down the Gothic path, long before there was ever a Marilyn Manson or a store called Hot Topic.
By 15, I was carrying around Sylvia Plath’s, The Bell Jar & Ariel poems like they were religious textbooks.
Yep. That was me. Freak. Fag. Sensitive soul. Dark heart. However you chose to label me.
 And those were simply references to my style and and personal interests.
On a clinical level…I simply am not your average gay!
I’m hyper. Easily excitable. Like a big puppy that slobbers and pisses himself when he meets a stranger he likes. I can be loud. Sometimes confrontative. I cry when reading a sad novel or watching tragic cinema. I’m extremely emotional. Impulsive. Passionate. Loyal. Erratic. Intense…..
An ex-boyfriend once told me, “You’re too much candy for a dime!”
And, I used to be so hard on myself when I’d see disappointment in a stranger’s face, because I wasn’t the cool, calm, collect Nick that they envisioned me to be. Maybe that’s the fantasy man they built from the image they saw in the videos.
Sorry. I aint that guy! I will never be relaxed, easy going, and “under the radar”.
Maybe you get what I’m saying. Maybe you can relate.
So, how did I reconcile some of this?
Here is the first thing that I did to really help me become comfortable in my skin:
I stopped hanging out and assuming friendships with gay men because they were aesthetically pleasing. I now befriend any guy that I have common interests with. Most of whom are very artistic, sensitive, self assured, amazing souls.
We share a common thread in the fact that we are different. How refreshing that was to establish that kind of bond. Finally!
The second thing I did:
I quit focusing on trying to be the one who rebels agains the “cool” gay guys. It’s just a really immature place to come from. Yes, I can sometimes revert and be snarky, but I am much more concerned with rallying the gay guys out there that are like myself. Cuz let’s face it…there are plenty of us out there! Maybe not exactly like me. But, just like me!
The third thing I did:
I got brutally honest. Honest about my pain, honest about my dreams, about my pitfalls. The more authentic I become with you, the less I need to hide. That is freedom! Every time I share my self discoveries with another gay man, there is a connection made. I get some more freedom. And maybe they can relate and not feel so alone with their own frustrated fears.
So fucking what if we don’t fit in with the circuit queens at the gay bars!
So what if we stumble over our words when we meet an attractive guy, because it fuels some insecurity.
They are no better. We are no worse.
We are just different!
Let’s take some of our unique qualities, cultivate them, and start sharing them, so that others out there know they aren’t alone.
I’m done punishing myself for being different.
This is our time.
Let’s celebrate it!
So, let me know what you’re doing to help yourself feel more comfortable, exactly the way you are. More importantly, what are you doing to help someone else?
One of my favorite movie quotes is from that 90’s teen film, “The Craft”.
When the four witches are getting off the city bus and the bus driver says to Fairuza Balk’s character, “You girls watch out for those weirdos!” She responds smugly, “We are the weirdos, mister.”
Me with my grandparents, Halloween…1985

I Care…But, I Really Don’t Give a Fuck!!

I care what you think. Yep. I admit it. 

I have a deep seated desire to be liked, related to, understood, and accepted by people; by virtual strangers!
Sound insane? There’s more…
When I’m surrounded by gay men:
In a club, at the gym, walking down the street…I fear being judged, unliked, spoken poorly of, and shunned.
Have you ever considered how much of the day you spend wondering and worrying about what other people are thinking about you? How about what your loved ones, friends, lovers, associates are thinking of you?
Here’s a valuable lesson I’ve learned over the past several years:
I will always care what you and other people think about me to a certain’s in my nature. But, at the end of the day..I really don’t give a fuck!
I am sensitive. I want to be accepted and loved by people. But, I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow myself to be defined by your perceptions of who you think I should be.
I’ve spoken about being in an anonymous subculture, where sobriety is the emphasis. In this subculture, it is recommended that you get yourself a “sponsor” to help guide you through 12 tenets.
In 2008 I came across a woman who forever altered the course of my life. She is controversial, she is passionate, and she has the ability to translate the meaning behind these 12 tenets like no one I’ve ever met. She became my sponsor.
One of the major traditions practiced in this subculture says:
“Our leaders are but trusted servants..They do not govern”
Over time I realized that my sponsor was a dictator.
And boy, does she govern.
She governs a “church” inside of this subculture. Where she is the self proclaimed “High Priestess”.
She ordains sycophants as her “junkie disciples”.
These sycophants run around to other meetings outside of her “church”, foaming at the mouth, spouting off her quotes like rabid evangelists.
You must conform to her rules, or you are quickly excommunicated from her world.
I learned many important spiritual laws from this woman. I was also, like the rest of her followers, perpetually at her mercy.
She told me I was living a “double life” because I was trying to become a spiritual man while still shooting Porn.
She told me I was “blocked spiritually” because I danced across the stages of the world in a jock strap.
So, I can’t be spiritual as a sex worker??
Let’s talk about that for a second…
I love being a notorious gay public figure. Does that mean I can’t meditate and live a spiritual life as well?? Bullshit!
I allowed her judgements to fragment my belief system and my self esteem.
I use this story as an example to you guys because I want you to ask yourself this:
How many times in your life have you really enjoyed something you were doing, (a job, an art, a hobby, or a lifestyle) but because someone you love (your partner, mentor, parent, or friends) judged you for it….you began to doubt yourself?
When have you bought into someone else’ bullshit and swallowed your “light”, cuz they said it wasn’t right??
If you are doing anything that empowers you, makes you feel good about yourself, and brings you to your “Fire”…DO IT!!!
And if anyone (no matter who they are to you) tries to tell you that what you’re doing makes you a less righteous, less spiritual, or less beautiful person because their God says so…
Politely tell them to go fuck themselves.
We as gay men have got to be exactly who we are meant to be, or we are sacrificing our own personal and spiritual growth to conform to other people’s beliefs.
 And the next time you are at the gay bar or gym and you’re feeling bent, wondering what all the other gay guys are thinking about you…Take a good look at yourself in the mirror and give yourself a little wink.
Cuz you are fucking beautiful inside and out!