Poets, Priests of Nothing, Legends....
I have recently begun sorting through the hundreds of pictures I have had loaded on my C Drive. These pictures have kind of just been sitting in folders on my computer for the last 6 years or so. Because most of these pictures were taken from digital cameras, I've decided to create an account on SnapFish.com. I've sent in all the digital pics and I am having them converted to 4x6 prints. My goal is to take these prints and create photo albums. This way all of the MANY events, appearances, photo shoots, love affairs, relationships, friendships, adventures, nightmares, and magic can be archived and set into sequence-telling the story of my life-from start to finish.
Going through these pictures inspired many feelings in me. Remembering some of the most wonderful and dark periods of my life. Seeing pictures of me celebrating the last 3+ years of my sobriety was the most fun. Seeing pictures of me in the dark, drugged years of my life was tough. It was almost like little demons were casting spectral images onto my computer screen to haunt and terrify me all over again.
Of course the pictures that inspired the most intense feelings in me were the pictures of the many men who have come and gone in my life. So many intense, short lived flings! So many hot one night stands! And lastly, the relationships with the men that altered the course of my life forever.
There were a few men that inspired me to great heights. The deep love I experienced with them remains unrivaled by anything else I have ever known. The way that each of these men loved me was unique. And the love that they inspired in me was quite profound. In many ways, these were the men who wrote my poetry. Each of them inspiring me to grow in a different facet of my life. There have only been three men in my life that I truly loved. These men truly were my Poets. When I see pictures of them and I, reflecting moments from the past and present, I am reminded of just how blessed my life has been. These men still play vital parts in my life today. I don't stop loving them, because true love is infinite.
Then there were the men who inspired something a little darker. Lets face it. Relationships between lovers involves a very specific chemistry. And sometimes the chemistry can be explosive-not in a good way, either. I have brought out the worst in some men and there have been men that certainly have brought out the worst in me. That doesn't mean I have regret. These experiences were necessary for me to become the man I am today. Although, at the time I was carrying on with these men, my life seemed futile, dangerous, toxic and quite unhealthy. I fondly refer to these men in my life as the Priests of Nothing. They governed, they seemed to rule me for brief moments in my life, but the love just wasn't there. It never was. And just like that-they were gone.
I feel very blessed to still hold each of these men in my mind's eye. For better or worse-each of them helped shape and mold the human being I am today. Inevitably, these men brought me to my truth. They brought me to my fire.
And now as I compose these photo albums, illustrating the story of my life...these men become legends.
"And when they ask him about the men in his life...he says, 'As difficult as it has been - They were poets, and yet they were Priests of Nothing...but they were Legends'"
this is so beautifully written...like the thoughts of my own i had not even put to words. Thanks for this. i have to subscribe now.
Reply to this
Nick, this is so beautiful. So pleased to see you are writing and so hauntingly well, too. This was a wonderful post. I love the idea of Priests of Nothing. It takes the power away from the pain of the past. Can't wait to read mote!
Reply to this
I was so pleased to read this after a long silence. I must admit to some concern. As always, I find your honesty in expressing your emotions, touches me deep to the core of my being. Recently I met up with an old friend, whom I had not seen for about 20 years. I hauld out the box of photos [I know that really dates me!!] and we relived the good/bad times shared with friends. As you say, all those we meet, some only passing by, fleetingly, like one-night-stands, touch us in some way, and if we are lucky, leave an imprint on our hearts. Stay strong.
Reply to this