I remember when I was a young boy, my father would come up the driveway and I would go rushing out the door to greet him. He would sweep me up in his arms and kiss and hold me. He always called me his little Monkey. My father was my hero. He represented such strength and power to me when I was a boy. He was a very big man. 6ft 4in tall. Stocky build. Deep voice. And, he had a personality that matched his stature. When he walked into a room people took notice. He wasn't the most attractive of men, but always the most endearing. He knew how to make people smile.
At soccer games, my dad was my biggest cheerleader. I remember the time that the referee made him leave the game because he was screaming and cheering so loud. My father's love made me feel so strong and drove me to be the best at whatever I attempted. I remember how excited I would be to show him my report cards, just because I knew he was going to smile with pride. I guess every son wants to know that he is the apple of his father's eye.
Then the storm came...My father had demons that I just couldn't ever comprehend. Those demons rose up and challenged the love of my family. They shattered the the bond that had once held me so close to him. My father became cold and distant. As he and my mother's relationship fell apart, I fell apart. My perfect life became a dreary existence. I remember towards the end of my parent's relationship, I would climb the tree in our front yard.I remember wishing that I could keep climbing high up to the sky and never come back down.
I never really understood why all of a sudden my father seemed to fall so so far out of my reach. It felt like I was trying to hold water and every time I would grasp at him he would quickly slip through my fingers. Often times I wondered what I had done wrong. I was convinced that I had done something to make my father not love me anymore. I thought if I could maybe run faster or try to love him harder he would see I was worthy again of his love.  That illusion drove so much of my destructive behavior from my teen years all the way into my adult life. I hated myself for losing my father's love. For losing the man who I had come to know as my hero. My heart cried out for my Dad, but it just never seemed to be heard.  

Time passed. Memories kept me a prisoner of the past. I fell so far down with drugs and destruction, I never thought I would come to know a peaceful existence again. My father reached out to me once in 2007, just a few months before I got sober. By then my spirit had become nothing more than a shadow. It reflected pain and misery. Sadness and despair. I pushed him away. Just as I tried to push everyone away that was trying to show me their love.
I believe that my father also suffered from guilt and self-loathing for losing his family. For losing his own grasp on reality so many years ago. I believe that he felt by leaving me alone, he could forget his own pain. I don't blame him for that anymore.
I got sober on Dec.17, 2007. I've reached out to my dad a handful of times in the almost three years that I have been clean. I never got any response. I've had to make my peace with that.
Last Sunday my mother told me that my dad was dying. She got word form my cousin in NY that my father had bone cancer and he had suffered from an acute renal failure. My boyfriend encouraged me to see him again, as frightened and scared as I was. I booked a flight to NY to see my dad the following week. 
I was told that he was being transferred to hospice and that I would have the opportunity to see him again. The day before I left for NY, my father passed away.
I don't know what to say...I guess I  always believed that we would be reunited again. But, I suppose every child wants that with their estranged parent. I held my father close to my heart and believed we would be together again some day. But, now he is gone. 

Daddy...I still hear your voice. I still remember the smell of your cologne. I still love you now, just as I did before. These images wont ever fade or leave me. They are the things that help me to keep you alive in my heart. I hope that you are happy now and flying free with the angels.
I love you, daddy. And that will never change....