So, I've been thinking a lot about my life and my work lately. Since I have gotten involved with the recovery process I have really had to take a look at how my actions effect others. Indirectly and/or directly, everything I do causes a sort of rippling currency. Like when you toss a stone into a pond and it reverberates. 
I don't usually date guys in the Industry, as I find so many of them to be contrived, flaky, and consumed with alcohol and/or drugs. My work has been a large burden on many of the men I have dated. This past relationship that I was involved with was wonderful. Aaron never did drugs, he was funny, sexy, kind, and caring. Unfortunately, my work proved to be too much for him and I had to let him go-for now. It was one of the most painful things I have done in my sobriety. I knew I was with an awesome guy and so walking away was that much more difficult. I am not willing to change that part of who I am for anybody yet.
We have been apart for one week now and it has gotten me to really thinking a lot about my sexual ideals. Sexual ideals are not just regarding sex. Sexual ideals are about whom I would ideally like to be in a relationship and the kind of man that I would like to share that relationship with.
This is what I came up with...
I would like to be able to listen to my partner without interrupting. I would like to be able to commit random acts of love to him without expecting anything in return. I would like to be able to look past whatever tedious challenges I am facing in my life..Any temporary anger, fear, worry, or financial insecurity that I am allowing to annoy me can be turned over to my Higher Power so that I will have the ability to be 'present' in my relationship. I would like to be able to have meaningful dialog with my lover. I will give myself permission to express any fears or concerns that I am experiencing without displacing anger on my lover or jumping to unreasonable conclusions. I will feel joy in seeing my lover smile. We will share common interests. Beach, physical activity, hiking, spontaneous adventure will be a part of our love affair. My lover will be a non-smoker. My lover will not use drugs of any kind. If he should drink alcoholic beverages, it will be on rare occasions (as I don't drink at all) and he will not drink to get drunk. Just to enjoy at an event or with dinner.  My lover will be on a spiritual path as well. He will be educated and patient. I will be loving and kind when he is experiencing challenges as he will be for me. We will both love to compliment one another's achievements. We will be honest with one another. When differences arise, I will be quick to look at my part in things and not waste time playing the blame-game. As will he. My lover will take part in my recovery and want to get to know my friends and family. I will be committed to being social at events with his friends and business associates as well. My lover and I will never be afraid to hold one another's hand in public, nor will either of us shy from displaying affection towards one another. Sex will be intense, passionate, wild, and spontaneous. Kissing and touching always a highlight.When times are difficult I want to be able to listen and empathize with my lover. My lover will be comfortable with my lifestyle and realize that my job is simply that-my job. We will be comfortable growing and learning from one another and always be able to bring Spirit into all elements of our relationship.

I know I am not that man today, but I pray for the willingness to become that man. I have every faith that by practicing the principles of my sexual ideal I will become the man I desire. The more I become the man I desire, the closer life will bring me to the man I desire.

Have a great Sunday!
xoxo