I have received a tremendous amount of emails and comments from people around the world congratulating me on my sobriety. The support and love I feel from you guys is so amazing. This is what I see..
There are thousands of gay man who are literally dying each day at the hands of substance abuse. There are gay men all over the world that are living in great misery and despair because they don't see that there is a way out. That man was once me.
What started out as a party, soon became a habit, which essentially turned my whole life upside down. Cocaine(freebase) and crystal meth were literally controlling my life. I could no longer work, I no longer had relationships/friendships/family, I was suffering on every level imaginable. The worst thing of all was that I was incapable of being of any use to anyone else, as I felt useless myself. The fear and guilt and remorse that existed inside of me was so great that asking for help was not an option. But, the great truth was buried beneath all of that. As an addict, I suffer from a physical allergy to ALL substances.
The best way I can describe it is like this. I was born with an allergy to penicillin. If I should ever take penicillin, my body will react adversely to it, and I may die. The same thing happens with drugs/alcohol. Something physically occurs within me that is unlike anything else once I take a controlled substance into my body. It creates a craving in me that does not occur in recreational users or drinkers. Once that craving begins, there is no telling when I will be able to stop using/drinking again-if ever. I can tell you a brief story describing my physical allergy. The last time I went on a run with dope.
It was Gay Pride San Diego 2007. I had been sober for several months due to a new boyfriend. Pride weekend began with us going out to a bar on a Friday night. I drank. I got drunk. Went home. Thought I was cool. I woke up the next morning with a desire to smoke some crack cocaine. It was so overwhelming and great  that it was all I could think about. I told myself that I would just get $40 worth and then I would be able to carry on with my weekend.  I got it and smoked it. It was awful. I was paranoid, sweating profusely, and quite scared. My boyfriend was trying to reach me, but I was so consumed with getting some more that I avoided his calls. If it was so awful, why was I getting more, you might ask? There lies the strange phenomenon of physical craving that occurs in me that I cannot explain to you. It was awful, but my body wanted more. My mind was telling me if I just drank some alcohol with it the next time to take  the edge off that it would be better. So, I resigned to the fact that I would just smoke crack for Gay Pride Weekend. I completely ditched my boyfriend, I didn't leave the apartment except to score more dope, and I missed out on all of Gay Pride. I continued to smoke crack EVERY DAY from July of Gay Pride Weekend until December 17th. It was NEVER fun and very expensive. It hurt my body. I suffered from respiratory depression, (which several years prior drugs had led me to a Type 2 Respiratory failure) irregular heartbeat, minor convulsions, severe paranoia, and complete and total degradation of my spirit. What was supposed to have been a simple night out drinking, led me to a little $40 worth of rock, which led to 5 more months of non-stop drug abuse until I finally sought help.
I was willing to do ANYTHING to get clean and maintain my sobriety. I went through an out-patient treatment center in San Diego, got a sponsor, went to meeting, and MOST IMPORTANTLY - worked the steps. I have not used drugs of ANY kind nor had a single sip of alcohol since Dec 17th, 2007.  I have friends, a relationship, I have my mother back in my life, whom I love with all of my heart, and most importantly - I am a useful person.  I can help other people today. I sponsor two people. I am of service. I tell this very morbid story so that anyone out there who thinks they have a problem with drugs can see that there is a way out. It was the last choice on my list at the time, (being a member of AA/NA) but it has since then moved up to the first choice on my list. I love it. Yes, I am officially breaking my anonymity and saying that I am a proud member of AA/NA and it has saved my life! It has given me a quality of life that I have never experienced before. I am so grateful for this fellowship and so blessed to experience the freedom of having this new way of life.
I wouldn't go back or dream of leaving it for anything!
xxx,
Nick