I have not really made much mention about the fact that I am no longer escorting. It never really occurred to me to publicly announce this. But, in retrospect, I think it is really important for me to share with you guys my thoughts on this part of my life-as it has been a HUGE part of my story for the last seven years.
I got into the Porn Industry in February, 2002. My boyfriend at the time, Troy Michaels, was fairly known as a Porn Star and a pretty big escort. I remember the pain that I used to experience every time he would go and turn a trick. It was unfathomable. I knew it was work. I knew that these men were, for the most part, not a threat to my relationship with him. But, it still took a piece out of me-out of us.
Somewhere in my deluded mind, it occurred to me that becoming an escort would be much easier than simply dating an escort. You know how the old saying goes... "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." In retrospect, that was not the wisest choice. It's almost like conceiving somewhere to your innermost self that becoming a perpetrator is somehow much easier than becoming a victim. And that's exactly what happened.
By the middle of 2002 we had broken up. On January 13th, 2003, I moved from LA to NYC to become a full-time escort. There I was-in NYC, living the life. Flying from NYC to LA, Palm Springs, San Francisco, and even Paris to shoot XXX videos.
I was making a lot of money. I was doing a lot of drugs. And just as my relationship had turned sour with my former prostitute boyfriend, all the rest of my relationships for the next seven years followed suit. If not falling prey to my drug habit, I lost all of my relationships due to my 'work' as an Escort/Porn Star.
Throughout the years, I have dated some AMAZING men. They simply couldn't handle it. And those that could...Lets talk about that for a minute..WHAT SANE PERSON DATES A PROSTITUTE?? Seriously!
Losing the relationships sucked!
But losing myself..so much worse. You forget who you are when you have a different name. When you are catering to other people's fantasies. What are my likes? What are my loves? Who am I??? I didn't know anymore. I had become a living image of whatever you perceived me to be. I was lost. I was in so much pain. And this infinity of perpetual aching stretched limitlessly.
Yes, yes, yes..I have traveled the world. I have made TONS of money. I have met some very interesting, amazing men along this path. But, the price I paid was very high. At the time it was happening I didn't see it. In the beginning, because I was so loaded. Copious amounts of drugs made my work so much easier. The dope left me despondent. I could share my body with anyone.
Then, even more reckless, I was living the life of an Escort/Porn Star in sobriety! No numbing. Just completely addicted to the money and the spotlight. I got so caught up in the 'circuit escorting' scene. Rentboy Pool parties/ Circuit parties across the country. My picture splashed EVERYWHERE. Traveling and escorting in other states. Award nominations. (I actually won Porn Star Escort of the Year at the 2009 International Escort Awards) And I thought that was living...I remember clearing $4500 in 3 days. It was great. It was money, But it wasn't love.
To be honest..looking back on it. It was a really empty existence.I'm a naturally loving guy. I am inclined towards relationships. I love sharing things with another man. One man. I sacrificed that for notoriety and money. I don't regret it. But, I can't live with myself any more that way either. The longer I am sober, the more I become connected to who I really am. The more the outside crap doesn't matter anymore.
I have a lot of friends that are still hookers and I don't judge them one bit! Just as I don't judge people who still party with drugs and alcohol. It's not who I am anymore, but judging them would be judging myself.
I am a 35 year old man who is just beginning to experience life again. I don't want there to be any strikes against me. I don't want there to be anything in my lifestyle that is thwarting my path anymore. I stopped using dope for that very reason.
To those boys out there who are just getting into the escorting Industry. Here ya go. It's lucrative. It can be filled with infamy and tons of notoriety and publicity. (Mine sure was!) I got EVERYTHING that I thought I wanted out of this Industry and NONE of it was what I REALLY wanted. You take from this what you want, and leave the rest for the next reader...
So now, the next natural step for me is my retirement as an escort. I'll miss the money from time to time, but what do I gain? I get to experiment with true monogamy in my next relationship. Something I have not given myself permission to do in seven years!! I get to re-establish my sex esteem. I'm not just a sex toy that can be rented. I am a sexual being and my sexual powers are something that I'm going to learn to honor. I understand that healing from all of this isn't necessarily going to happen overnight. But, that's what my shrink is for!
And lastly, for those of you wondering how on earth my next relationship could be considered 'true monogamy' if I'm still a Porn Star. If I'm still performing with other men. I guess I'm gonna have to save that for another confession...
xxx
Nick
